Introducing The Next Generation Of Leaders And Thinkers

Even A Miss. Maryland Finalist Understands

As I sat on the side of the middle school athletics field, my pink and green L.L.Bean backpack rubbed up against the rusted brown fence. A herd of adolescent boys in muddy tennis shoes raced down the field, and from a distance I could see my brother standing in the deserted end zone jumping up to score the winning touchdown. It brought a smile across my face as his teammates cheered for him. The bright green stains ran down the sides of these pre-teen boys’ clothes, and I could already hear the disappointed groans of their mothers realizing they would have to wash them later that night. When the game ended so did the cheers for my brother, and the boys started walking towards the fence I was sitting against. They started chanting something new, but this time I was not smiling,”Tubby” is what one boy called me. When the other young boys stated laughing along with him I laughed too. I have always wanted to be funny not the one being made fun of, so I thought “all right brush it and turn it into a joke”. They thought it was hilarious to point out my biggest flaw -literally. It was the first time I had ever even thought about my weight. I never thought I looked different from my other, much smaller friends, but then I looked at the pictures and realized I was a lot different. In my fifth-grade math class, we learned about multiplication and division. We also learned about all different shapes and how they can be different sizes. There is one thing I specifically remember my teacher saying to our class; a triangle can be three times the size of another triangle, but at the end of the day they are still both triangles. This phrase is something I have carried with me all of my life and will never forget that day I heard it. I was the bigger triangle in this metaphor. When I realized that I was larger, I did not change my eating habits. I ate what I wanted to while my mom was not watching and then ate what my mom made me eat when she was. I had no self-control of what I put into my body; I was only eleven. I wanted to look like my friends, and I wanted to be chased on the playground by boys just like they had been. So I started running, but I only ran at night because I did not like when people watched me struggle to keep apace. I would run for hours (or at least it felt like it) and then do more exercise when I got home. That was the first time I think I ever worked out on my own. I was not exactly losing the extra weight I had on my body because I was not eating well enough, and I know that today.

One of the most common awkward stages of people’s lives was middle school; for myself, awkward was an understatement. As I matured I learned more about my body. During this period, I was consistently called names, and I grew to be more insecure with myself, but never let anyone see that side of me. I have always loved jokes. The uncontrollable smile you can give someone just from saying something funny amazes me that a single punch line can take away the pain of something as horrible as being bullied. I loved to laugh it off with other people that “I was fat” or how many rolls I had on my stomach or my chin. It made me feel more comfortable with myself and made me feel like the people that surrounded me were my friends. I liked the attention I was getting.

My freshman year of high school I thinned out as I went through puberty, and worked out more rigorously. The opposite sex finally noticed me. These were uncharted waters for me, and I did not mind this attention either. As the years progressed so did, my body but the negative comments from people never changed; I was still and will always be an easy target for people to slam on a daily basis. High school was the hardest four years of my life, and I am so glad I went through it the way I did. I would not be a strong level headed woman I am today. My senior year was the hardest year out of it all. I was going through many relationship problems with my family, my boyfriend, and friends.

I chose to eat poorly and be negative towards myself. I looked on social media and believed all the things people were saying about me. I thought it must be true if this many people are agreeing. “The world will be a better place when Steph Stuehler gets on her plane and goes away” for the rest of my life I will always remember reading this over and over again. I then became obsessed with what people were saying about me. Except this time instead of running or working out because I was upset, I went to parties. The spontaneousness of each party made my blood pump through my body (that and the alcohol), and I liked the feeling of not having to feel anything. I could forget all of the terrible things people had said about me just by being surrounded by friends, food, and a beer or three. Throughout high school, I was surrounded by people that didn’t  genuinely care about me or even know anything about me. These people knew my name and loved to say it aloud and behind my back a lot. In my lifetime I have been called a man, transvestite, kankle girl, fat, tubby, and many more that you would not even believe people could come up. The one thing that motivated me to change my lifestyle was being called a “whale” on social media. Whales are the single largest living thing on the planet so you can only imagine how bothered I was by it. This was not the first time I have been called a “whale” before, but this was the first time it had been publicly displayed and said to my face. That day I reevaluated my eating habits, what I spent doing during my free time, and who were my actual friends. Getting a gym membership was the best decision ever. Paying for something out of my pocket motivated me to go to the gym every day. I wanted results, and I wanted them fast. I became disappointed and aggravated when I did not lose twenty pounds overnight. I realized losing weight is a slow process, and it was not easy. You have to want to change, and you have to believe  in yourself. Now today I stand before you forty pounds lighter than I was in the spring of 2014. No one is perfect I will always strive to be better than I already am. I am simply a work in progress. If I could give someone that is struggling to lose weight any advice at all, it would be to stop competing with others and to start competing with yourself. Daily exercise helps me relieve any stress I may have and helps me feel better about myself. Now that I have lost weight I have had people say I am too skinny, but my doctor says I am healthier than ever, and that is the only person I listen to. The same people that call you fat are going to call you anorexic. Jealousy is a disease, and most people are sick. I have come to the realization that people are always going to talk, so why don’t you give them something to talk about?

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