The first thing you’ll notice is that you’re excluded. When I was about fifteen I started searching for a way to make friends with more gay teens meet because I had just come to terms with my sexuality–I was officially out of the closet. The first site I came across was Xanga.
Xanga was a blogging site–there was a feature where you can be in groups and follow people like you. I found a few groups and followed a bunch of people and noticed I wasn’t getting that many followers. I noticed they all kind of clung together, excluded and ignored me. It wasn’t just online either. I started school at Churchland High School where there were a few gay white boys, but yet again I was excluded. I couldn’t sit at their table or walk with them at gym class,it made me angry.
I joined the gay scene on Facebook, I soon noticed that you would see mediocre white boys with thousands of friends and hundreds of likes, all the gays thirsting after them and ignoring hot people of color. I wanted to test my theory, so I made a separate xanaga account where I talked to the same white gays under a fake persona. They told me things like “Black guys aren’t attractive” and “I don’t like niggers”.
Most of them did use the N word, but I got outed as a catfish and deactivated the account. I tried to expose them, but no one cared that they talked like that, some agreed and said it was a “preference”. On Twitter I found myself defending white gays that cared when someone called them a faggot but never defended me when someone called me the N word. I found myself looking for validation a lot of times and hating myself for being black because I didn’t fit in. When you see them all thirsting after white guys and only praising and posting white guys and look at the color of your skin you realize you aren’t welcome or wanted. I wanted to bleach for a long time because black seemed unattractive. A lot of the time I would try to run away from the world of straight people and their bullying to come into the Gay world, only to get bullied for the color of my skin.
Sometimes it was people of color also saying negative things about dark skin guys too. It didn’t hurt me as much because you didn’t hear it as often, but I’ve heard “black guys just aren’t attractive” so many times it kind of got stuck in my head and I hated myself. No matter what I did or where I went, white gay boys always treated me different. I couldn’t get a basic compliment without them saying something offensive, “you’re kinda cute for a black guy”. I was either discriminated against or fetishized.
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