I created a Tumblr site called My Imperfect Rape after I sat down and wrote out the story of my own sexual abuse for the first time. I began writing a couple of years after it had happened looking for some validation. So many times I read stories in the media about rape and sexual abuse and they’re focused on pinpointing blame or finding shortcomings in the story. The reason I didn’t report my own abuse is because of the unconventional circumstances- it happened in a relationship with somebody I loved and I didn’t realise what was happening at the time. By writing my own story, I was looking for a way to silence those critics in my own mind that still asked: “Are you making this up?” “Did it really happen like that?” “Are you making something out of nothing?” I know I can be my own worst enemy, but I am also aware of the way that society perceives survivors and the way society defines sexual abuse – this had a lot to do with the forming of those questions in my own mind. The second guessing of my own experiences didn’t just come from me.
I wrote my story and I felt empowered. I felt in control of what had happened finally as I chose the way in which the truth was told. Consequently, spurred on by the negative treatment of survivors and advocates for survivors in the media, I created the site and presented my story. I wanted people to read my story and see how sexual abuse can happen, not how it always will occur, but how it could and did. I named the site My Imperfect Rape as an ironic twist on the detrimental, unspoken idea that all survivors come up against- that their rape was not “perfect” enough. That their rape was not violent enough, it didn’t happen in the correct place, they didn’t report it right away, their perpetrator is “too good of a person” or that the circumstances in general just don’t fit. The victim often does not fit. And so, through the site, I’m aiming to open up the conversations we have about sexual violence because it is crucial to the advancement of society, and survivors. Narrow definitions, stereotypes we depend on and a significant lack of empathy regarding survivors all encourage a culture wherein survivors remain silent; many are even unaware that they are survivors.
I know a lot of people will respond to my work with the question, “Am I supposed to just trust someone when they say they’ve been raped?” I would say yes. Yes you are supposed to trust someone when they disclose to you that they have been raped or abused sexually in some way (the spectrum of sexually inappropriate behaviours is very wide!) Firstly, very few survivors speak up. Therefore the fact that someone chose to disclose, and entrusted you with such a fragile issue, that’s a huge step and shouldn’t be taken lightly or judgementally. Secondly, it’s really not up to us- as individual members of society, communities, families and friends- to decide whether someone is telling the truth. We have law enforcement for that. When we take it upon ourselves to find the truth it always starts with the victim. We attack and dissect their narratives striving to grasp for anything that doesn’t fit. We depend upon preconceived “simplified” ideas that we have about sexual abuse being “one size fits all” i.e. there will be violence, it will be a stranger, there will be no contact post-abuse, the victim will press charges right away. There is no other crime in which we demand proof of the victim’s credibility and innocence before that of the accused. We don’t need to be doing this as a society; it’s not up to us. Victim blaming is often tempting, usually an immediate, somewhat unconscious first response, but it’s always damaging. I advise everyone to avoid getting caught up in perceptions. Not all stories of sexual abuse will make sense but it doesn’t mean they are untrue. Practice tolerance and compassion and allow the professionals to do their job. No victim deserves a trial by society, family, media or community. It’s unnecessary and it’s causing less survivors to speak out, afraid of the consequences, ultimately preventing more abusers from being brought to justice.
There are so many different circumstances which lead to people second guessing their own experiences, feeling as though they could never speak out about what they have gone through. Mindful of this predicament I’ve tried to create a safe space in which survivors can feel empowered by sharing their stories. I’ve invited them to write their stories in a manner in which they feel comfortable without the fear of being scrutinised or undermined. These stories, in addition to my own, will hopefully help external parties understand that no two experiences of abuse are ever identical – yet all are valid. By adding their voice to the site survivors are directly aiding the widening of conversations about sexual violence and helping themselves heal in the process. The main two aims for the project are: 1. to empower survivors and give them that safe space to share what they want and need; and 2. to be a source of education for those who wish to know more about sexual violence but are being failed by a lack of real resources. The project acts as a facilitator and generator of material that will help a person open up their perspective, and also help them create conversations with others about the wide shape of sexual violence.
Overall, I want My Imperfect Rape to be a source of positivity; I want to use my experiences to educate and empower others. I don’t want it to be something that keeps me and other survivors stuck in the past, but rather something that propels us forward in an enlightened manner.
The site is a lot of work. I create a lot of original material, including writing and graphics, in order to create a buzz around what I am trying to achieve and also to connect with as many people as possible who may need that connection. I have already had stories sent into the site and many people getting in touch in desperate need of support, validation and justice. I don’t think this is a testament to what I’ve created as much as it speaks volumes for the lack of safe spaces available for survivors. I know a lot of people don’t like the term “rape culture” but unfortunately it applies to our current social climate because a negative view of sexual violence- one that diminishes its effects and trivialises the nature of the crime- is still the prevalent view. Rape culture is the immediate negative reaction to a disclosure of sexual violence and the immediate need to find a reason for the abuse- a reason that is ultimately within the victim’s control. Rape culture is a human problem; it is so systematically engrained within our societies to pass judgement that we all do it. Rape culture is everyone’s responsibility. However, hopefully one day, with the help and creation of spaces like My Imperfect Rape, this description will not fit our society anymore. I hope by making you aware of the work my project is doing you will be able to be a part of the solution and not a part of the problem that is rape culture. I hope that you will visit the project and gain the knowledge you need to move forward, discrediting myths about a “perfect” victim or “normal” rape as you do so. Consequently, you will play your part in creating a society that prioritises supporting survivors over judging them.
If you have been affected by any issues or comments in this article I would advise you to check the project out:www.myimperfectrape.tumblr.com
Also feel free to get in contact with any questions or if you are a survivor and need extra support. Contact details can be found on site.
