My name is Aubrey, and I was born with a cleft lip and gum line which has left me with a bad scar on my upper lip and a crooked nose. My cleft is minor compared to many, and I was born to a middle class family in the United States which meant I had amazing care, doctors, and surgeons. It feels almost selfish sometimes to identify with others who have been born with clefts but face much bigger problems; I’ve never felt extremely hindered by my cleft, and most everyone is very kind about it. That being said, it is a physical defect and we live in a society which puts all our physical characteristics under microscopic scrutiny, and as I’m sure you’re all too painfully aware this microscope is focused mainly on women. So of course I have felt self conscious, mostly in the way my cleft has affected my nose and how it makes my face uneven in general. When I was asked if I wanted to share my story and be on the cover of Affinity I was so excited! Who would pass on such an awesome opportunity? But before taking my pictures, I started to feel really nervous. To give someone else the control, to expose my face and all of my imperfections completely? The thought caused me a lot of anxiety. It sounds so silly even now, but society tells women that so much of our worth is based solely on our beauty, looking different than our culture’s stereotypical beautiful woman is something that makes a lot of us feel bad about ourselves. So when I first saw my pictures, I honestly didn’t like a lot of them; there were many photos that showcased my cleft and my nose like I had never captured before. I felt uncomfortable staring at myself in the photos, but that’s because I first saw myself through what I think others expect me to look like, based on what is ingrained in us as women day after day. After studying the photos closer though, I saw myself and recognized what I feel is beautiful about me. These scars tell a story, and beyond that my lips hold so much more than my cleft. They are the channel with which I communicate and express in so many different ways. They are story tellers and music makers, they are activists and they are lovers. It’s not something that comes easy and it fluctuates day to day but for me, understanding and identifying the uniqueness my cleft has given me as well as not letting myself identify solely with these unique characteristic has helped me be body positive and confident. I appreciate my scars, appreciate what I see as beautiful, but I do not let it define me. In my eyes I am not “Aubrey the girl with the cleft lip” I am ” Aubrey the girl who loves hiking, photography, feminism…” Cleft lip is very low on the lists of things that make me, me. As with all good and bad physical features you must recognize the beauty and diversity in it, and then look past it. Because we are all so much more than our physical compositions.
Looking further into these ideas of self love, there is a thought among some in the feminist community that self love and body love are superficial, that really it doesn’t matter what we look like, but who we are. Although I agree, it doesn’t matter what we look like, humans are visual creatures by nature. By instinct we all view and automatically classify things in different categories of our brains based on what we see in front of us. This has so many negative effects such as racism, sexual objectification, and overall misjudgments of others; and I think it is so important to be aware of this and constantly be pushing against this. But I also think there is a complex art in searching for beauty itself. When you look past classic (classic being defined by beauty standards upheld by a white, patriarchal society) ideas of beauty, and you find your own truths and your own beauty, that is a breathtaking realization. At this point you have probably rolled your eyes my way more than a few times but hear me out! I’m not saying you’re beautiful, just the way you are (although I guess I am in a cheesy but oh so important woman empowerment way) but my focus is on how you deal with your imperfections, what you decide to create out of them. Finding strength, symbolism, and your story through your physical imperfections is so much more than superficial, it’s empowering.
The second part of accepting yourself and your flaws I believe is to not focus all your positive energy on them. If you are identifying solely with your curves, or your scars, or what ever it may be you are missing out on so much more of yourself! To love yourself because of and in spite of your flaws, that I believe is true self love. Moving even past abilities, and interests: who are you as a person? What are you life experiences, what is your passion? What brings you peace, what scares you? What do you really believe in? These are the really scary and uncomfortable parts of self, these are the things we have substituted for monsters under our beds and in our closets as we have grown. Recently I’ve had some experiences that left me staring these creatures right in the face and it was terrifying, and sometimes it still is. But as I have focused more on my inner self and grown to know who I am and what I believe, I have found my beauty again, or rather remembered it. As I’ve been on this recent “discovery” or whatever you want to call it, I’ve been consumed so much more by the beauty of nature, people, animals, emotions, life… I don’t have that much energy to worry about what I look like! It’s lovely, and as a women I think it’s a big part of living for yourself.
I know I come across as total hippie-feminist-spirit girl (which actually, I love the way that sounds) but I guess all I’m trying to say is learn to love your flaws, love yourself beyond your flaws, and share that love with the world because something even more precious than beauty is happiness. And self actualized happiness is one of the most beautiful parts of us all.
