Abrosexual: an individual whose sexuality is fluid and can fluctuate between different sexualities rapidly.
Caie was open and willing enough to share all she could of her story before I even had the chance to ask questions, so here’s what she had to say:
“I first discovered that my preference was different than others when I was 8 years old.
Okay but first, a bit of back story.
Since the ripe age of 3, I grew up in the church. First, it was the Russian Orthodox church (I’m an Alaskan native) and then it quickly became the church of Jesus Christ, aka Christianity. Of course, I was swept into the belief that heterosexuality was the norm and therefore, when I began to notice that I thought women were cute too, I felt (as my 8-year-old self would say it) “yucky.” It started with Lindsay Lohan, my first woman crush. At first, I believed it to be that I wanted to be her. She was rich, young and cute. But then, I discovered lesbianism. I was repulsed, absolutely sickened by the thought of it, and the home I’m growing up in didn’t help one bit.
My whole town, which is about 2 miles long, is homophobic. The whole lot of them. So I was, too. I became fond of gay slurs (“fag” and “homo” were my favorite and most used). In my house, those were okay. “Crap” wasn’t, but making gay jokes, those were! When I turned eleven, in sixth grade, I identified as bisexual. Attending a small school meant that not many people cared, but there was no way my family could find out. I wasn’t really threatened by it, because 2012 was kind of a time where being gay was popular; you had to either be homophobic or hemophilic, there was no… how do I describe it? There was no staying the hell out of other peoples’ business. It wasn’t until last year, when I was thirteen, that I realized I didn’t really give a shit about the gender, and came out to my friends as pansexual.
They could tell I was serious about this and let it be. Aside from the few “what the fuck is pansexuality? Does that mean you fuck pans?” comments, it was a smooth ride. But this year, I discovered I may possibly be more fitting to the term “abrosexual” or even “homo-flexible.”
That’s when the strange looks and disturbed comments came.
“You can’t be in between, that’s not how it works”
“Abrosexual isn’t a thing”
“Why can’t you make up your mind? Are you gay, or not?”
Those were a few of them. This is also the time where I had female friends saying “Please don’t talk about not being straight, it makes me uncomfortable” as if they thought I wanted to date them.
This was also when I started saying on Facebook that I was not only a gay-rights activist, but maybe even gay myself. This caused disgusting backlash.
My parents would get calls from family friends saying “Caitlin’s not gay, is she?!” As if the Earth would fall right off its damn axes if I was. My dad, who really didn’t give a shit about what my sexuality was (because frankly, he understands that it’s not his business) simply said “it’s none of your damn business, stop calling me.” Meanwhile, my mom responded to these Earth-falling-off-its-axes-theorists with an equally horrified “Earth is going to fall off its axes” tone of voice. Even going as far as to say “How dare you say that!”
Long story short, (which it’s definitely not) I was hurt. I was hurt that 1, my family and friends could be so damn ignorant and 2, no one seemed to care about my input. They always figure that since I’m a measly 14, I can’t understand my own feelings. It’s a sickening thought that all these words and thoughts are being shoved down my esophagus and into my brain. But what’s worse, is that I know there are kids, actual kids, who don’t understand their feelings and don’t have the opportunity to.
Luckily, I’ve overcome the theorists as I mentioned, and am proud of my abrosexuality, even if it’s not my official sexuality yet. As I see it, it’s nobody’s damn business anyway, and I hope others can see that as well.”
Caie was patient enough to endure me quizzing her about what abrosexuality is, and also offered some advice for those who aren’t out yet, or aren’t as confident in their sexualities as she is in hers:
“Hmm, am I comfortable with my sexuality? Completely. But am I completely out? No, I still haven’t come out to the family I live with, simply to avoid complications and because it’s not their business nor their problem. … The only way I became comfortable with my sexuality and was able to come out to my people off choice was thoroughly researching sexualities and genders. Getting familiar with the different options helped a lot. Also, keeping to myself helped, but reaching out to this wonderful community helped even more. I asked people about their experiences and learned more about other peoples’ perspectives. The most important thing you can do when it comes to being comfortable with your sexuality is being educated on it. It, of course, took me a while to get past the stigma planted in my mind that homosexuality was wrong. … Having support is also a good idea. Luckily, I had my best friend Hailey who was there by my side the whole time, and still is. If you don’t have someone like that physically, the online LGBT+ community is always a great resource. Finally, never be scared to experiment. If you’re not sure where you stand on the sexuality scale, try different things, even if it’s just holding hands with the same sex.”