An open letter to those in our family, friend group, and daily life who have stood by us through thick and thin- and far too often in the life of a mentally ill person, it’s usually been on the thicker side of things.
It can be hard to talk about how we feel and what we’re going through- but here are eighteen things we want you to know.
We Aren’t Ungrateful
We don’t find ourselves too depressed to get out of bed just because we don’t want to wake up early for school. If we’ve ever “freaked out” on you, it’s not because we couldn’t stand a minor inconvenience or transgression- in our admittedly twisted perceptions, whatever we were angry about was a big deal, and we couldn’t overlook it. Our anxiety is not us being unable to handle “real world problems”, and our trauma is not us being unable to “get over” something minor. It doesn’t matter if we have all the luxuries of first world life- mental illness is blind to who it affects. Please, just understand that we are not thinking or acting the way we do because we don’t appreciate how comfortable our lives may be, and the amazing people we have in it- we simply have a chemical imbalance that causes us to be blind to all the good.
This Isn’t A Phase
This won’t just go away on its own. Okay, there are cases where stressful circumstances and changing hormones during puberty can cause mental health problems, and they can go away (or be minimized) through time. But, for the most part, mental illnesses are chronic and unpredictable. We go for weeks or even months feeling fine, and then hit a low again- especially if we’ve stopped treatment thinking we must be “all better”. Yes, it’s frustrating. Yes, you might think this has gone on way too long. Yes, you might think our therapy or our medications should have “kicked in” by now. Be patient, and be prepared to be in this for the long haul. We are.
We Aren’t All Looking For Attention…
Our mental illness exists regardless of whether or not we talk about or demonstrate it- and simply because our conditions may be obvious (or we may be comfortable discussing it), does not mean it exists simply to capture attention. Not every person who walks outside on a hot day with visible scars is crying out for help- after a while, scars simply become a part of your body, like stretch marks or cellulite. Some just don’t feel it’s necessary to keep hidden what they can’t erase. People who are willing to tell you about their mental health aren’t searching for your sympathy or your attention- they’re just comfortable with discussing a major aspect of their life. People with protruding hipbones and thigh gaps are not looking for your gaping stares- yes, when it comes to eating disorders, weight loss is often wanted, but that doesn’t mean they are doing it for you. In short, please don’t dismiss our actions as “crying out for attention”- because that far too often means you’ll think we’re cured the moment you give it to us
… But If We Are, That’s Okay
As said before, our mental illness is real, and its affecting us, regardless of whether or not we show it. But it’s possible that some people are crying for help. It can hard to communicate the intimate, painful moments of our lives to those around us, and some people might find actions like suicide attempts or self-harm can get them the help they need. It does not mean they aren’t actually experiencing mental illness, and it does not reflect weakness- it just goes to show how desperate a mentally ill person’s situation could be, that they feel such extreme measures are the only way to get help.
You’re Allowed To Give Us Space
We understand- you want to keep tabs on us, and make sure we’re okay. If we have a history of suicidal thoughts, you may even want to be around us at all times to ensure our safety. But please, give us our space if you think it’s safe to do so. Having time alone is essential for everyone’s mental health, and that’s especially true for those with mental illness. Also it’s a bit infantilizing and demeaning to know our loved ones trust us less than you would a twelve-year-old- we deserve our independence, too. While you may think asking about our wellbeing all the time is a sweet, caring gesture, we may see it as grilling us for personal details we aren’t ready to share. It’s great that you want us to know that you’re here to help, but PLEASE, for the love of God, let us have our space.
It’s Okay If You Don’t Understand
Really, it is. You don’t have to know what it’s like to walk in our shoes to be compassionate and helpful- and you don’t have to pretend you understand, either. The good thing is, you’re trying. That’s all we need.
Let Us Take Our Time
Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither was a perfect recovery. Let us take our time. Don’t worry if we aren’t ready to talk to you about this yet. Don’t expect our behaviours- like irritation, self-harm and disordered eating, to go away as soon as we get help. Don’t be angry at us if we are hesitant or reluctant to get help- it’s hard to accept you have a problem, or be ready to give up on coping mechanisms that we feel have helped keep us sane. If we need to take a day off school because we don’t have the energy to go in, let us. You would if you had a physical condition. Remember that, just like a physical ailment, we are going through something that is out of our control- be patient.
Just Because We Aren’t On Medication, Doesn’t Mean We’re Not Trying
The choice to take medication or not is personal, guided by medical advice, and different for everyone. We get it, you read about this awesome new medication in Women’s Health, or you have a second cousin who swears by Adderall (for a different reason than you think, probably). But seriously, understand that treatment is different for everyone. Not every person will respond to psychiatric drugs the same way, and that therapy, self-care and other non-medical treatment patterns can be powerful tools. Of course, you should be concerned if we seem to be getting worse, or we stop taking our medication without a doctor’s approval, but as long we’re educated, following the advice of our doctors and therapists, and taking action to improve our health, it should be our decision how we go about medication, not yours.
Just Because We Are On Medication, Doesn’t Mean We’re Not Trying
No, this isn’t a matter of us “not trying hard enough”. No, we won’t become empty, emotionless zombies. Medication is a safe and common form of treatment for a wide range of MIs. Some of us are unable to function without meds, others feel it reduces symptoms just enough so that therapy can be helpful. At the end of the day, medications aren’t what they used to be. For the most part, they simply regulate hormones that our brains produce naturally. There may be negative side effects in our first few weeks, and a small percentage of young people may experience suicidality if they didn’t before- but doctors know this and they monitor it. Remember, we needed a prescription before starting our medication- meaning that a psychiatrist or family doctor that has spoken to us, knows our medical history, health concerns and symptoms have decided which medication and dosage is best for us. We might need to make adjustments, and we may not be on meds for life- but the important thing to know is that we are following our doctor’s advice and minimizing the symptoms that affect us. It doesn’t mean we aren’t trying, and it doesn’t mean we’re trying to let pills do all the work for us.
It’s Okay If This Is Why You Came Back Into Our Lives….
We understand. Things have changed between us. Maybe our busy lives and different interests created some distance between us, or maybe our mental illness caused a fallout. Either way, you’re here now. We understand that things cooled between us and it was mutual, but if you’re ready to start again, so are we. You aren’t exploiting us by forgiving or apologizing. Sometimes you need something like this to happen to remind you about how valuable a relationship was in the first place.
… But This Isn’t Why You Should Be Here
It’s okay if finding out about our mental illness is why you came back into our lives, but it shouldn’t be why you’re here. You should be here because you miss who we are as people, and you feel the same connection as you did before (or you want to again). Don’t come into our lives again just because you feel guilty- or want us to feel guilty. Don’t come into our lives again just because you’ve found yourselves in a similar position and now want someone to validate you or help you through it. We don’t mind supporting you- but we are more than your mentally ill loved one. We should just be your loved one, no matter what.
Just Because You Can’t See Our Illness, Doesn’t Mean It’s Not There
Invisible disabilities are still disabilities. Just because we aren’t paper thin, doesn’t mean our eating patterns are not disordered- in fact, many EDs cause weight gain. Just because you can’t see scars on our body, doesn’t mean they don’t exist (and if they don’t exist, it doesn’t mean our suffering isn’t real). It sounds cliché, but just because smile (or have the same resting bitch face as everyone else) doesn’t mean we aren’t suffering. There is no “mentally ill” look, and when you assume our mental health based on our looks, you’re essentially saying that we need to fulfill your own close-minded standards in order to be validated.
Just Because We Need Accommodations, Doesn’t Mean We Aren’t Capable
Just like a person with a physical disability, we may need to be accommodated. You wouldn’t decide a cashier with limited mobility couldn’t possibly be good at their job simply because they sat while bagging groceries, or decide a student with a medical condition should be excused from gym class. So you shouldn’t decide that someone with time-consuming, uncontrollable OCD habits should be given a few extra minutes at the end of their exam to finish, or that a student who took time off for mental health reasons should be penalized for their absence. The same goes for social outings- we might throw a wrench in your planned horror movie marathon because certain things trigger us, or need to go home early because we just needed to be alone for a bit, but these are things that, as a good friend, you should be willing to accommodate. If a friend had a medical issue that prevented her from drinking, you would make sure you guys could do other things together on a Saturday night, and you wouldn’t force a friend with a physical impairment to do something outside their abilities. Needing accommodations does not mean we are incapable of doing something, it just means we need some exterior circumstances to be altered in order to do it.
We Are More Than Our Illness
Please, don’t just talk to us about mental illness. Don’t treat us as though the only aspects of our personalities that exist are the traits caused by our MIs. We are still human beings with our own personalities, dreams, strengths, weaknesses and interests. Treat us as such.
It’s Okay That You Can’t Fix Us
We’re sorry you feel like you failed us. To our parents and siblings and relatives: we are sorry that you promised us when we were still babies that you would protect us, and now you feel like you no longer can. To our friends: I know that when we were younger we could call you on our parents’ landlines and you would give us what seemed like the perfect advice. We’re sorry that it’s not that easy anymore. We love having you by our side. We appreciate your support and your patience and your love. We’re sorry that this reminder that we are loved and that there are good things in this world wasn’t enough to undo the chemical reactions happening in our brains. We’re sorry that your support and commitment can’t speed up the process of recovery. It’s okay that you can’t “fix” us. In fact, many of us don’t feel as though we’re broken. We’re just sick, the same way you were when you had that flu or got that weird bug bite that ended up getting infected and looking kinda green. Trust us, if we weren’t facing serious medical conditions, and love and support was all we needed, we would be better by now. You might not fix us, but you help us- and we couldn’t do it without you.
Listening Is Enough
That’s all we need.
We Appreciate You
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