Why Won’t Black Men Date Black Women?

There are a lot of places that black women may naturally feel excluded from (the American educational system, high-end clothing stores, etc.), but it’s the exclusions within her own race that hurt the most. There’s the battle of light skinned girls vs. dark skinned girls, and the shaming of black girls with a weave or with natural hair, among other problems.

But the relationship between heterosexual black men and their female counterparts is really astounding. Personally, as a young black girl I have felt a surprising amount of tension between black men and women in high school. In my pre-teen years it was really damaging to see someone I like and have my friends tell me I shouldn’t go for it because he’s “not into black girls.” Why not? Am I not black like he is? Did a black girl do something to him? Is there something wrong with me?

More importantly, why is this still a problem?

First things first: refusing to befriend or start a relationship with someone because of their race is racist. It promotes the idea that each race possesses specific personality traits or behaviors that others don’t and that such traits are undesirable. I grew up hearing that black girls were “too ratchet” to be worthy of a relationship. Woke black girls were “overbearing.” Carefree black girls were “too loud.” Smart black girls were “acting white.” Dark skinned girls were . . . “ugly.” Not only were we off limits to racist white men and their families, but we couldn’t date black men who had made this realization as well!

I went out looking for answers as to why this tension occurs, and the most credible thing I could find was an Essence Magazine article referencing two black women referred to as “matchmakers.”

The article lists 7 reasons why black men don’t approach black women:

1. We look like we can’t be bothered: resting b*tch face
2. We don’t offer enough support: expect support from the male
3. We’re inhibited sexually: prude
4. We want what we want: too picky
5. Our friendliness is misunderstood: misleading
6. We put on the pressure: move too fast
7. We don’t seem as fun: hard-working

Now, they did clarify at the end of the article that this is not how all black men feel, but these are common concerns that a lot of black women have heard before. Especially as a teen, a black man may offer these responses because of his premature expectations. Maybe a boy just emerging into manhood sees a girlfriend as an accessory; someone to laugh at all his jokes, fulfill his newfound sexual desires, and just be pretty. Maybe a young black girl just won’t put up with that. I sure wouldn’t.

Truly, the reason we black women just “don’t seem as fun” as white women is because the black woman is rarely ever portrayed as such in terms of serious relationships. It’s not because of that sad list of excuses. It’s because our media, our movies, our mainstream music, and our closest friends show us that a woman of another race will look better next to you in the long run. The token black girl archetype always has an air of sass, a holier-than-thou attitude, and general lack of style or grace. Not bubbly, bright-eyed, straight-haired, and submissive. A USA Today article unpacking media stereotypes attached to black women quotes author Tamara Winfrey-Harris (The Sisters Are Alright): “When I read these articles about black women in newspapers and see people talking about us on TV, that doesn’t seem like me. That doesn’t represent me . . . We have a very reductive picture in the public consciousness.”

This all creates preconceived notions that cause black men to say that a black woman isn’t worth the trouble. I don’t know about the rest of you, but hearing that as a young black girl breaks my heart. There’s nothing wrong with dating a white girl, or a girl of any other race. But, black men, there’s a huge problem with refusing to date a black woman. It’s a step backward on the journey to equality. It says that you agree with the notion that black women are inherently less desirable (before you even get to know them). And that’s not cool.

And if every black girl you’ve ever met has been too difficult for you, your standards may be in need of a reset. Before you curve all black girls because you think they share the same values or behavioral patterns, wonder if your mother ever thought that giving birth to you wasn’t worth the trouble.