From a very young age, I hated being black. I hated my full lips & nose and I hated my brown eyes but most of all I hated my brown skin and my thick hair. I would have given anything to be tall and adorned with straight blonde hair and blue eyes, to have a petite little nose and thin lips. I would have given anything to have my skin replaced with milky white. There were times when I was little where I complained to my mom how unfair it was that I wasn’t born with ‘white people hair.’ I had even thought about bleaching my skin sometimes to make myself a few shades lighter so that I could finally be beautiful because in my mind as long as I was black, I would never be beautiful. I wanted to look like the girls I saw in magazines, read about in books, watched on tv, played with as a child. I wanted the curly brunette hair that could go in to those cute Pinterest-esque styles, I wanted the skinny, pale legs, I wanted the piercing blue eyes and freckles; I wanted to be white with every fiber of my being.
The thing that took the most blows was my hair. When I was 11, I started texturizing my hair because in my mind that was the closest to ‘white people hair’ that I could get and I was devastated when I discovered my once thick ‘fro-like hair just became an easier-to-handle version of the hair I once had and it didn’t magically bleach and straighten itself. My hair is now au natural and I’m very very slowly but surely coming to terms with the fact that my hair will never be like the tumblr girls I see. And that’s okay, because my hair is still wonderful anyway.
To my black sisters reading this, whatever shade you come in- love your melanin. Whether you’re honey glazed or dark chocolate, you ARE beautiful. Your hair is beautiful, your skin is beautiful, your lips, your nose, your eyes, your hips, your everything is beautiful. Don’t let the media tell you otherwise.
And as for me, well I realized that whether I like it or not, I am stuck in this vessel for life. I am stuck with my blackness and my blackness is stuck with me and no amount of crying or whining or jealousy or hatred will change that. So I embraced it with open arms, apologizing for all the insults I’ve hurled at it and I now I would not trade my melanin for the world.
I am black and that’s okay because black is beautiful.
[side note*** this is why representation of ALL RACES is so important in the media, etc. Whitewashing everything can cause toxic mindsets like mine in the early. We are out here and we need to be seen.***]
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