The Obligation to Beauty: Let Women Be Ugly

“There are no ugly women, only lazy ones,” a cosmetics magnate once quipped. Perhaps she was right, and within all of us a beautiful woman can be found. There’s a catch, of course: she’ll only come out when you’re the right weight, wearing the right clothes, and smothered in the right makeup. The emergence of this inner creature is imperative. After all, I always imagined being an unattractive man is an inconvenience; for a woman, it’s a death sentence.

This is a lesson all girls learn, an inevitable part of being both young and female. It’s one that becomes internalized, and by the time adulthood is reached we’ve mastered rituals that satisfy the obligation to be pretty. As soon as I discovered that my femaleness wasn’t allowed to exist outside of my looks I complied with these invisible rules. I bought red lipstick, stilettos and a tight, short dress specially reserved for nights spent in clubs trying to flirt with men. Though the idea that there was something inherently wrong with my appearance that needed to be fixed bothered me, I suppressed any doubts I had. I was well aware that my ability to attract men was a litmus test measuring my worth, and I was willing to do anything to pass it.

My unwavering obedience to this lifestyle only began to falter this summer. In an attempt to impress a boy, I began to diet. What started innocuously enough soon spiraled into 500 calories a day, two miles on the treadmill, and finally ended with me staring at my reflection in the toilet bowl. With my knees aching on the cold bathroom floor, I asked myself what I was doing in a brief moment of clarity.

At the root of this self-destructive behavior was the desire for male approval. The fact that I was willing to hurt myself to get it frightened me, and not for the first time I felt as though I was at the mercy of men. If I’m to be honest, I thrive off the attention men give me, and without it I’d shrivel up and die. Of course I’m ashamed to admit this. Women who read Simone de Beauvoir and listen to Riot Grrl are supposed to be above this sort of thing. Still, without constant affirmation from men I feel my edges blur.

I doubt I’m the only one who feels this way. As Naomi Wolf wrote in The Beauty Myth, “Beauty is a currency system like the gold standard. Like any economy, it is determined by politics, and in the modern age in the West, it is the last, best belief system that keeps male dominance intact.” In other words, no matter how much feminism has advanced in regards to socioeconomic and political equality, women will still be controlled by their looks. Yes, men also face attacks against their image, but a man’s beauty doesn’t determine his worth as a human being. The same can’t be said for women.

I’ve had fever dreams of breaking away from the male gaze. At times I want to cut off all my hair, wear masculine clothing and eat without guilt, all in an attempt to subvert patriarchal values. Yet extensions sprout from my scalp, my closet is full of dresses and I regularly starve myself. No, there’s nothing inherently wrong with women adhering to feminine norms, but I’d be lying through my teeth if I said the way I carry myself has nothing to do with men.

There have been noble efforts to lighten the burden all women must carry. From grassroots campaigns to international corporations, it’s now common to hear the rallying cry of “You’re beautiful!” But I can’t help but wonder why it’s so important for a woman to be found attractive. This isn’t to say we shouldn’t fight against the impossible standards placed on our shoulders, allowing ourselves to be drowned in self-hatred because we don’t look a certain way. Yet the emphasis self-love movements put on a woman’s appearance should be challenged. Aren’t we so much more than our faces and bodies? It shouldn’t matter if we’re pretty in one way or another, we still deserve respect and happiness.

Lately I’ve come to realize men are allowed to be neutral about their looks. Since their value doesn’t depend on how much sex appeal they have, men have more freedom to be concerned about their values and personalities. For women, however, our first priority is to view ourselves a certain way, because without beauty we’re nothing, or so society says. Blogger Erin McKean put it perfectly when she wrote “You don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don’t owe it to your mother, you don’t owe it to your children, you don’t owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked ‘female'”.

I look forward to the day when women are allowed to be ugly, when our ability to attract men comes second to everything else. I’ll be able to look in the mirror and not think “good” or “bad” and just accept my body the way it is, only a small part of me that doesn’t define my worth.  Until then it’s an uphill battle, a struggle to embrace my femininity without letting it undermine me. I love being a woman.