You start to doubt it as you sit down by yourself again even when you specifically asked them not to leave you. You begin to let that same fear trickle in slowly like honey on wood, and then you wonder where it is that you lost track of where you stand. However, in a matter of days the doubt is pushed back into a corner where you won’t have to acknowledge it. A vague feeling of unsettlement lingers. You go on with your life.
You find yourself waiting again. You’ve been doing that a lot lately, because somehow they’re always “too busy”, “too occupied” with something else, and when they’re not, you find your words are left hanging, because someone is always there, more distracting, more important. It is then that you acknowledge it: you stopped being a priority long ago.
You’ll begin by wondering what you did wrong. You’ll rethink every word you spoke, and over analyze every move you made. Was it something you said? Did you cross a line? Is it you?
Know that sometimes, you are not to blame for friendships turning toxic.
You’ll then turn yourself inside out. Because something is definitely not wrong. This is just your mind acting up, being jealous, and being too self-conscious. You’ll try to look at it all from an outsider’s perspective.
Know that a toxic relationship doesn’t always mean abuse or violence was involved. Sometimes it’s in the way it drains you.
So you take it up with them. You voice your worries and your fears. You lay yourself bare for all judgment to come, some tears are shed, promises are made; change will come.
Until it doesn’t.
So you find yourself sitting alone again, and when you aren’t, it still feels like you are. Because somewhere along the way, a sense of mutual interest was lost. You find yourself competing for their attention, always coming second best.
But friendships were never meant to be a competition, were they?
It’s time to let go. Understand that these things happen sometimes, and there will be cases where no one is to blame. You are not to blame for this. You are not to blame for the fallout of it. You will have days where you might regret speaking up. Because maybe if you hadn’t, things wouldn’t have turned out like they did. Maybe it wouldn’t have left you feeling like a hole has been carved into your chest. Your heart wouldn’t drop to your stomach. You wouldn’t be wondering why they don’t feel like this. Why don’t they miss you as much as you miss them?
Understand that these feelings too shall pass.
I promise you that it’s worth it. There will come a day where you will breathe and suddenly, your chest won’t feel heavy. Your lungs will dare to expand as far as they can reach. You will feel no burn.
Because you don’t think of calling them first when important moments happen. You will stop turning to your side with a witty remark on something someone just said. You will get new friends, and you will feel like your life fell back into sync.
Because it will.
You will stop worrying over where they went at parties. You won’t be the one sending streams of texts trying to reach them getting no reply and a shrug with “sorry, I forgot to answer.” the next time you see them.
And for the first time in a long time, you will sit amongst a group or one person you used to call a stranger, and you will not feel alone. This will be the moment that you realize how much you have grown.
This will be the moment that you realize that it is always okay to let go.