It can be hard being the only out queer person in your school, work or daily life. You stand out in a way that often brings negative attention, you are known solely for your sexuality, and to top it all off, there’s no one for you to date. It’s a frustrating and lonely experience. But so is being closeted.
Being closeted is an objectively terrible experience for anyone, and it has been proven to lead to lower self-esteem, dissociation, and even suicide. The closet can even create people who hate themselves so much that they express this as rampant and violent homophobia. In fact many key political opponents of gay rights have actually turned out to be gay themselves. This kind of hatred is never excusable, whether you are gay or not, but it’s important to acknowledge the societal conditions that shape this hypocritical prejudice.
There is often a negative stigma against those who are still closeted in the gay community. Phrases like “closet whore” are unfortunately common in the community and can be very damaging to someone still wrestling with their sexuality.
It’s easy to get annoyed when a closeted person shows interest in you, only to pull away last second- but we have to remember that they are sometimes doing this for their own safety. We do not all have the privilege of coming out, and therefore we don’t all have the privilege of dating openly. When you are already spending your whole life dodging questions about your sexuality, it can be infinitely more stressful to add a secret relationship on top of that. Also, it’s important to remember that your attraction to someone is not more important than their safety, and comfort with being out.
A study conducted by the New York Times found that an estimated 5% of American men are gay, however millions of these men are still in the closet. Additionally, the study found that approximately one tenth of gay men are not out to most of the important people in their life, and a significant number of gay men are married to women.
These findings are distressing, and it is important to remember these sad realities when we encounter people we might assume are closeted. It is not our job to force someone out, no one is going to benefit from you dragging them out of the closet against their will.
Almost every queer person knows what it’s like to be in the closet. We still live in a society in which straight and cisgender are the defaults for everyone and anything else is viewed as “other” and requires coming out. So it is essential for us to empathize with those of us who haven’t been able to express their true selves yet.
Remember how it felt to keep your sexuality a secret to everyone, to mask yourself as something you weren’t- something you didn’t even want to be, to fear the people closest to you because of how they might react- it was miserable. Remember that there are millions of people around you suffering through that now, ones you suspect or otherwise, and do your best to create a space in which they might one day feel comfortable coming out to you- but don’t get mad if they decide that they aren’t ready.
