Breast Cancer awareness month:four weeks where tits are celebrated and the fact that the pink ribbon is supposed to represent awareness for cancer is seemingly forgotten. I’m not going to lie, my mother and I both wear that same pink ribbon almost daily in support for the women and men who have gone through the hell that is breast cancer.
Having watched her mother beat breast cancer, sadly pass of bone cancer later on, and being a breast cancer survivor herself, my mother has had countless conversations and opportunities to talk about her experience with cancer, and although the majority, if not all, of them have been good, some survivors have had some more unpleasant experiences. With some help from my kick ass survivor mom, here are six things one should never say to a breast cancer patient or survivor.
1. “Do you ever miss your breasts? Your real ones, I mean.”
Considering the fact that their real ones carried a cancerous tumour that could have killed them, no. They do not miss their “real” breasts. Whether they chose to undergo reconstructive surgery or not, what they have now is a much better alternative to cancer.
2. “This is just God’s plan for you.”
Wow, that must make people feel really good about their life-threatening cancer. Whether you believe in God or not, telling someone that its “His plan for you” doesn’t always make the person in question feel very loved, by “God” or the person who chose to say that. This person has a possibly fatal disease, think before you say things like this to them. In my mother’s case, she didn’t mind when people said this because she believes that her cancer made her stronger and made her who she is today, but not everyone sees it that way and not everyone believes in God.
3. *Proceeds to tell every cancer related horror story you know/ everyone you know who has
had cancer or died of it.*
This one made me cringe every time it happened in conversation, not only when my mom was there but when she was not present as well. I would think, “She doesn’t need to hear this!!! I
don’t need to hear this!!! She’s not going to die!!” Telling someone who is trying to beat cancer about all the people you’ve known that have died of it is not very encouraging. Everyone’s experience with cancer is different, and the story of someone you know who has had cancer or passed from it does not always help the person you’re talking to who has it.
4. “Are you sad you’re going to loose your hair?”
Most likely, yes, thanks for reminding them! This is especially harmful to say to women because many women use view their hair as a symbol of their own personal femininity and outer beauty, but this is not just the hair on their heads, it is also the eyebrows and eyelashes which are also
a symbol of facial beauty for some women. Getting reminded that they are most likely going to loose all of it is hard for some women to hear.
5. “How could this have happened? You must have been doing _____.”
There are a million and one things that can cause cancer, alcohol, exposure to radiation, using hormone therapy after menopause.
Saying this to someone who has it or has had it is basically saying that its their own fault they got cancer because it is insinuating that they did something wrong or didn’t take enough precautions.
6. “What stage are you in?”
If you’re not a close family member or friend, then it’s none of your business. Plain and simple. Asking this is like saying: “How close are you to death?” Not helpful.
At the end of the day, the only thing you can do to help someone struggling with breast cancer is to support them and be there for them when they need you. Oh, and don’t sexualize their disease just because it’s in their breasts. Instead of giving your money to companies that use slogans like “Save Second Base!” and “Save the Boobies!” try donating your money or referring a loved one who has or is fighting breast cancer to organizations like Look Good Feel Better. Look Good Feel Better is an organization focused on helping women with breast cancer. My mother went to a look good feel better workshop years ago after she had lost her hair, here is what she said about her experience there:
“Look Good Feel Better was a very good experience for me. The workshop itself was really helpful with eyebrows, bandanas, and wigs…and covering the dark circles under my eyes. Then I was asked to do a photo-shoot which was awesome and very uplifting. An experience I’ll never forget…Definitely helped with confidence and not looking so sick and pale.”
Watching my mom come home absolutely beaming after her Look Good Feel Better workshop made me realize that maybe instead of sexualizing breast cancer and focusing on “Svaing Second Base”, the idealism surrounding breast cancer should be about supporting the women and men who have had it and are still fighting it, and making them feel better about themselves. Happy breast cancer awareness month, and remember, it’s about saving the women, not just the boobies.
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