Abusive relationships in the movies always seem so dramatic. It starts with the partner controlling what they can wear or who they can hang out with, then suddenly it turns into the partner full-on physically attacking them. In real life, abuse doesn’t escalate that fast, it starts with small things to get you comfortable, then it escalates to physical abuse sometimes.
This weekend we saw Rob and Chyna end their tumultuous relationship right in front of our social media feeds. Initially, when we heard news of Rob and China becoming an item, we were all happy that the two found happiness in the chaos known as the Kardashian clan. Chyna was in a long term relationship with rapper Tyga, they had a child named Cairo, and then soon Tyga left Chyna for Rob’s little sister Kylie.
We all wanted Chyna so desperately to win and find love; after all, she was a single mother struggling to manage motherhood and entrepreneurship. She owns multiple businesses. Eventually, Rob Kardashian stepped into the picture and we were all shocked, but happy. It all seemed to be going great, Rob began to lose weight, started leaving the house more and Chyna soon became pregnant. Chyna released a long message detailing how she tried to help Rob many times with no results. Finally she admitted that she was verbally abused everyday by Rob. It got to the point where Chyna had to give him her passcode because he did not trust her.
For many people, Chyna and Rob’s story is all too common. In our society abusive relationships aren’t rare. What’s scary is how children as young as 12 are experiencing abusive relationships at alarming rates.
“My ex-boyfriend and I fought one time. Me, being naive and young, thought nothing of this but we were arguing in his car.” says Cassie. “I said something that hit a nerve and he punched me so badly that I hit my head against the window. I was just 16 at the time and thought nothing of it cause he quickly apologized right after. Now that I look back, it was definitely verbal and physical abuse.”
Many of us watch movies and can point out abuse immediately, and tell ourselves “If it were me, I would have left so quick.” However, identifying abuse becomes inceasingly harder once you are in a relationship. “It was a toxic relationship and I’m glad I left a month after the incident happened” said Cassie. “I never told my mom, or my counselor. I only told a friend.”
Nearly 1.5 million high school students nationwide experience physical abuse from a dating partner in a single year. 1.5 million high school students is a lot, and there’s no reason why young kids should be experiencing abuse. To put it even more into perspective, 1 in 3 students in the U.S. are victims of abuse from a dating partner.
“It was both him and mine’s first relationship. It wasn’t abusive at first. Until towards the end, when things came into focus, so basically it started with me wanting to have sex,” says Andrew. “I thought sex in a relationship was normal, but he began to slut-shame me. He called me a horndog, he said I just wanted sex and I’m just horny all the time and nothing else,” he says.
Abuse in homosexual relationships are overlooked, especially in the media. Homosexual teens are at times confused about what’s healthy and what’s not. “He made me feel bad for wanting sex. He made me feel like sex was taboo, even in a relationship,” says Andrew. “The funny part is, he was on Grindr the whole relationship, messaging other guys. I found out and confronted him, over text. I began to lose trust in him.”
The affects of an abusive relationship stay long after the relationship ends. “It’s hard to think about sex and not look at it differently now, and it’s hard to trust people too. I know most of the time I can tell myself no, that’s just because of past experiences, but sometimes it comes back,” said someone who asked us not to disclose their identity. Abusive relationships put victims at higher risk for substance abuse, eating disorders, risky sexual behavior and further domestic violence.
Is abuse possible in a lesbian relationship? Of course it is, but people feel that a woman can’t overpower another woman.”She was my first girlfriend. It was my freshman year of college and I had just come out when I graduated from high school. We started talking and going on dates around early January and were in a relationship by the end of January. It started very subtly,” says Alex. The abuse began with small things such as spending all her time along with her girlfriend, to not being allowed to relax in the dorm alone. “She started to question the intention of all of my friends, tell me that they didn’t treat me right, she would tell me that she thought I had feelings for my best friend,” she says. “She even tried to get me to cut my twin sister out of my life.”
The abuse quickly turned sexual. “She sat me down one night and told me that she had needs and that if I didn’t have sex with her soon, she might not be able to control herself and she’d end up cheating on me,” continued Alex. “When we would get intimate, there were times when she would try to slide her hand down my body and touch my vagina and I’d have to grab her hand and physically restrain her from touching me.” At this point it became obvious to Alex that this relationship wasn’t healthy, her girlfriend began flirting with other people right in front of her, even going as far as telling Alex how compatible she would be with Alex’s friends and how much great sex she could have with them. “One time I got her flowers because she was having a rough day. She ended up yelling at me in public for doing so. Eventually I broke up with her.”
“She was manipulative, toxic, sexually coercive. On the night I lost my virginity, I didn’t want to continue, the only reason we had sex was because she told me she was “not mad, just disappointed”. She always shamed me for my body and she was a pathological liar.”
One in 10 high school students has been purposely physically hurt by a boyfriend or girlfriend. Why should we focus on teen relationships? Well, among female victims of dating violence, 94% of them are between the ages of 12 and 18. Although female victims experience this abuse, men are also victims.
“I started dating this girl in high school. I heard some bad things about her but I’m not one to judge someone about their past just because my past isn’t the greatest either,” says Chancey. “So we started dating after talking for about a month and everything was fine, I was happy, then she started to become a little distant after a few weeks.” The relationship began to sour even more after his girlfriend began to make fun of his body and begin to play mind games.” She would make fun of my body around her friends and just laugh like it was nothing. At the time, I was still kind of depressed so it didn’t help at all,” he says. “She would tell me she loved me then tell me I’m a piece of sh*t and I’m good for nothing.” For people on the outside looking in on abuse relationships, they wonder why would you stay when they treat you so badly?
“In all honesty I don’t know why I stuck around for as long as I did, I think it might have been apart of the fact I thought I could change how she acted towards me,” he admitted.
“In the end I knew I couldn’t and I didn’t deserve someone that would make fun of me constantly and play mind games with me, telling me I’m nowhere near what she wants in a guy.” I asked Chancey why else do people stay in abusive relationships and he responded by saying “I’ve noticed a lot of the time the reason a lot of people don’t leave is because they think they deserve that and no one does. They think they can change that person, but you shouldn’t have to force someone to love you.”
After many months or years, people eventually do leave abusive relationships. They realize that they’re much happier. “There’s someone out there for everyone that is willing to give them unconditional love,” says Chancey. “As hard as it might be to leave that abusive relationship, people should know that no one deserves to be treated like that, no matter who you are.”
It took Andrew a long time to get over such an abusive relationship but it taught him a lot. “Never let anyone make you feel not worth it, because you are worth it,” he said. “Always watch out for yourself emotionally and physically first, everyone else comes second.”
If you’re reading this right now and understand what these people went through, I want you to know you’re strong and so worthy. In fact, you’re so great that this world can’t take it. Abusive relationships do not define you. You will find someone, and they will love all of you, and they will respect all of you. Do not settle for someone who makes you feel awful. Life is too short to feel worthless every single day, so I want you to read this and then talk to someone you can trust and get help. Although many of these teens are lucky to be alive, some aren’t. Abusive relationships can result in death sometimes. I want you to take care of yourself. Although it may seem hard now, I promise this life will get better.
