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Feeling Like the “D.U.F.F.”- Being the Single Friend in High School

The first time it happened to me, I was fifteen years old. My friends were sitting in a circle and complaining about their varying relationship problems, while I offered advice, even though we all knew it had no real world value. It struck me then, as it has often since this day, that I was the odd one out. While my friends almost always had boys pining after them, I was the one who was friends with the boys, but never had anyone crushing on me.

I was a freshman in high school when I jokingly referred to myself as the “DUFF,” a sophomore when I started believing it, and a junior when I realized that this not only was a horrible misnomer, but an altogether inappropriate attitude.

The term “DUFF” -Designated Ugly Fat Friend- was first coined in 2015 by a movie called “The Duff,” which actually was supposed to teach girls that individuality is the most important trait, but rapidly became the term commonly used for the resident single friend. This friend happened to be me.

Let’s get one thing straight. While the term “DUFF” never specifically says single in it, it is NEVER used to describe someone in a relationship. Only the single friends get the label. This, of course, then implies that single means ugly, fat and altogether undesirable.

All throughout my first two years of high school, I assumed the reason that no one was dating me was because I really was the Ugly Fat Friend. But this was so far from the truth. While it is true that I’m no supermodel, I am not ugly. And at 5 foot 8 and barely 120 pounds, I don’t think I really qualified as fat either. But the point is that even if I was ugly or fat it would have nothing to do with me being single.

Slowly, I started to question when and why I had let this stupid term define me. It all begins with the fact that my freshman self thought it was a problem to be single. The notion that we all have ingrained in our minds that every girl is supposed to go through high school having multiple relationships and perfect love stories frankly is not the reality of high school. But after reading so many books and watching so many movies, I walked in on day one of my freshman year expecting some kind of fairy tale romance. When I didn’t get one, I wrongfully assumed it was my fault. So I slapped the label “DUFF” on myself and acted like it didn’t bother me, but it did. The name was intended to be a joke, and we all laughed at it, but it gradually manifested into an obsession over how I looked and dressed and acted. I didn’t realize then what it was doing to my self-esteem. Every outfit that I wanted to wear suddenly looked bad on me because I was the Ugly Fat Friend. I wore sweatpants to school every day, and never bothered with my hair and makeup, because I figured that it didn’t matter if I put any effort in. No one would notice me anyway since I was just the DUFF.

But why should there be something wrong with me just because I don’t have a boyfriend? It was so wrong of me to describe myself as a feminist and then call myself the DUFF just because I was single. I was in a mindset where I was believing that all females need someone or else something’s wrong with them. Just because I don’t have a significant other in my life, it does not mean that I am ugly; it simply means that I don’t have a boyfriend. 

Single does not equal undesirable.

The reality of high school is that in many cases, your class size isn’t too big, and it is completely unrealistic to assume that you will find someone within such a small pool of people that will be a good match for you. This doesn’t have anything to do with how date-able of a person you are, it just means that no one you’ve met so far is a match.

Nowadays, I wear what makes me feel confident. I spend time on my makeup and walk around the school with confidence. And I still don’t have a boyfriend. I have realized that being attractive and being single are not mutually exclusive.

The reality is that someone will end up with me eventually. It’s not a question of me not deserving anyone or no one deserving me. And if I end up alone, it’s not because I’m ugly or fat, because I know now that neither of these things are true. I am single and I am intelligent. I am witty, talented and funny. I may be single, but I am not the DUFF.

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