Love terrifies me. It always has, I’m not sure why. There’s something about vulnerability that doesn’t sit well with me. It’s the fact that you can’t control your emotions. Ultimately, once you fall in love, you’re control becomes extremely limited. You’ll want control and you’ll crave control but the fact of the matter is you can’t help love. You can’t do anything about it but let it consume you. And that terrifies me.
It’s funny because love also fascinates me endlessly. I think it’s ironic that what you’re afraid of most can also be so interesting to you. I am always afraid of any feeling that even comes close to love. Love is a big word and I’m yet to fall into it but feelings that have come close to love are the scariest things that I have ever felt. Like I said, love is a big word. Sometimes it gets tossed around like it doesn’t mean much. In reality, at least to me, love is the biggest word in the English language.
I think love is so big because of it’s unpredictability. It’s the fact that you can fall in it at any time. The person who you will fall in love with is unknown until it’s there, right in front of you. You don’t know how long it will last. You don’t know if the other person will fall in love with you. You just don’t know.
It’s not that I don’t want to fall in love, it’s that you’re never going to be ready once you fall into it. I saw a post once and it said “fall in love when you’re ready.” Personally, I think you’re never going to be ready to fall in love. There’s always going to something that you’re not ready for. I think that every time you fall in love it’s slightly different. No love is exactly the same. This is scary, at least to me.
The confession of love also scares me. Saying “I love you” out loud is frightening. I think the moment that the words hang in the air and hook on the silence is the most debilitating part. You can’t take “I love you” back. You have to wrestle with “I love you” for a long time before you say it. You have to make sure it rattles your bones and shakes your soul. When you’re scared of it, that means you feel it.
I think love is breathtakingly beautiful and I think there’s something beautiful in the way it terrifies me. There has to be something that scares everyone, something that paralyzes us for a little while. Something that makes us stop in our tracks and think about how the world could possibly create something so scary. Love is terrifying and love is beautiful. I wouldn’t want my biggest fear to be anything else.
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