Recently, in the search online for old classmates who moved away, a peer of mine discovered a former classmate who committed suicide. As if the obituary was not shocking enough, this boy was someone my class collectively bullied throughout elementary school. I don’t mean that we just mildly teased him-I mean that the water line at gym class would quickly disperse if he walked up to the line. I mean that people were afraid of the social repercussions of being friends with him. I mean that we made up a myth that he had toxic germs.
My classmates experienced shock tinged with uncomfortable guilt when they heard this news. We swapped horror stories of the ways we dehumanized this poor kid like we were in a support group, comforting each other in our sadness.
However, within minutes of everyone’s laments about our former classmates’ death, just when I was beginning to hope that the consequences of our actions were understood, people shifted to rudely gossiping about various peers.
I’m going to address it directly, because I have spent my entire life pretending to not notice it. Bullying sucks. I was bullied by these same people. To be perfectly honest, this is my coming-out as a victim of bullying. I never felt comfortable saying that-I was bullied.
People who are bullied are not at fault-a lesson I had to learn the hard way. As a kid, I have tufts of frizzy red curls that stuck out in every direction. My ADHD makes my actions impulsive and wild. I love to read unabashedly and my loud voice never falters when inserting my radical opinions. I am different-an introvert, independent, an easy target.
I am not even going to get into the specifics because I have spent so many years trying to forget the worst years. For me, the way I was bullied was not like the way the kid we tormented in elementary school was bullied. It was more subtle-badly concealed whispers and rude glances. I always pretended I just did not notice. My festering shame mixed with a feeling of pity for them silenced me. I used to come home and cry in the shower so my parents could not hear me. What I will say is that I constantly felt shitty about myself. Being bullied taught me that I was worth nothing. Being bullied taught me that nobody would ever love me. Being bullied taught me that loneliness feels like it can actually kill you. Nobody should have to feel this desolate.
Bullying feels like it is out of your control-like you are hopelessly watching someone repeated kick your worn out body. Every mean word makes you doubt your every move, ripping your self confidence into shreds. It took me years to realize that I am amazing-something I don’t need validation of from anyone else to be true. However, before I learned to accept every quirky aspect of my personality, I spent every waking moment wishing I did not exist. I wanted to sink into the Earth and never reappear.
Don’t get me wrong-I love my life and myself now. I have incredible friends and an incredible boyfriend and a self-esteem with enough energy to power a whole city grid. However, finding out that a boy my grade bullied had taken his own life made me realize how easily that could have been me. I feel like it is my duty to speak out against this-a duty I owe to myself. This is me reclaiming myself, fighting against years of self-hatred. I was steered away from his tragic fate due to the kindness of my awesome friends. Please, don’t let other people spend their life thinking that they aren’t worth it. Please, be kind. You have no idea the positive affect you can have on other people’s lives by just being kind.
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