What happens what you want doesn’t happen? Or when situations just don’t work out? Do you give up? Take matters into your own hands and figure out what to do, or do you just leave it up to the universe to straighten everything out for you?
In AP Psychology a few weeks ago, we learned about the difference between the “external locus of control” in contrast to the “internal locus of control.” There’s a Blair Waldorf quote, “Destiny is for losers. It’s just a stupid excuse to wait for things to happen instead of making them happen,” that perfect describes what the internal locus of control is. Maybe it’s just me being lazy or being a fatalist, but I’m a strong believer in the external locus of control.
I know people who have had dream colleges for years, applied to them under early decision, gotten in, and the rest is history. Just the mere thought of only applying to one school, being legally bound to go there if accepted, not exploring other options scares me. Truthfully, I crave that feeling: decisiveness. I applied to twelve colleges under 4-5 different major/minors. Last fall, I sat in a guy’s car, overcome with surges of happiness (the crush I had on him for months ebbed as I drifted in and out of ignoring and liking him), only to come to the hard realization 48 hours later at 2:45 AM almost 3,000 miles from home while listening to LCD Soundsystem that he wasn’t right for me. I’m jealous of people who are so sure of what they want that they make it happen. Sometimes, I find myself harboring so many desires about people and the world that I feel like I’ll explode if I keep them inside of me, but I don’t know where to start. Maybe I’m just very indecisive and feel as though I’m not making the right decision for myself and I need another opinion on what to do; that opinion belongs to the outside forces of the universe.
I yearn for experiencing everything the world has to offer me. I think of what my life would be like if everything I had wanted to happen had actually happened. What I wanted last October, even November is far from what I want now. I never applied early decision anywhere because I have to compare financial aid packets; how much worse would my senioritis be if I had applied early decision to my Dream School™ back in early November, and gotten in? What would the next four years be like? How skewed would my perception of happiness be if the guy whose car I was in last November had been vocal about his feelings, or therefore lack of towards me? Would I be a lot happier than I am now if said I still had a crush on that guy?
It’s strange knowing that in exactly a few weeks, I could know exactly where I’ll be learning and living for the next four years: only a small piece to the puzzle that is my future, but a huge piece to the puzzle that is my restlessness of being trapped in high school and suburbia. That piece of the puzzle is something I’ve spent years working towards; I’ve cried, bled, loved, suffered, and rejoiced for it. It’s not in my hands to know what college will accept me or not; I’m just blindly putting my hands out, hoping for the best. Like that Beach House album, I’m just going to thank my lucky stars and hope for the best. I believe the universe is looking out for me, and you just have to have faith that things will just happen naturally.