For some years, I have been somewhat confused about my stance on sexuality given that there was such a necessity for me to explain which gender I was most attracted to from school peers due to my display of stereotypical homosexual behaviour. The whole buzz of it all was entirely unnecessary and pretty much made me jump the gun on what my sexuality was after constant social pressure.
When I was 16, I came out as bisexual although I had more of a desire of being with a man than a woman but not ruling out the fact that I could have relations with girls. I was more than comfortable with this “label” initially however it didn’t sit right with me as it didn’t match my inexistent desire for sex.
To put it bluntly, I have a lack of interest in sex. It genuinely doesn’t do anything for me and despite that I maybe haven’t had sex enough to know whether I actually enjoy it or not, the idea of sex sort of grosses me out. From the sexual experiences that I have had, I was neither aroused physically nor emotionally, they were actually repulsive. This doesn’t mean to say that I don’t wish to experience romance; I just have more of a preference for a relationship that does not involve sex.
There have been certain occasions where I have developed crushes on those of the same sex yet they lack the sexual impulses that a sexual person would which didn’t exactly justify the label I chose for myself. I simply drew attraction to their personality as opposed to sexual desire. Within these moments, I would get so frustrated because I knew I liked them but didn’t wish to have sex with them which made it insanely difficult for me to truly convey my feelings, until I discovered asexuality.
In the beginning, I was quite narrow-minded of asexuality as I thought that asexuals weren’t interested in anyone whatsoever which is maybe the idea that many people have of asexuals however that is not the case. Asexuals CAN still hold romantic feelings for people regardless of gender, it is possible for them to feel love, just not in a sexual manner. Some might even have sexual tendencies but the concept of sex just doesn’t appeal to them. And to me.
For me personally, coming out as asexual has answered many questions rather than being in a state of confusion. It explains why I don’t have sexual desires towards anyone and why I am more attracted to how someone is rather than who someone is. I am proud to embrace being asexual and I hope it is accepted by those who mean the most to me.