5 Things You “Know” About BDSM That Are Wrong

From the creation of the “adult fanfiction” erotic novel franchise 50 Shades of Grey, and the spawn of “choke me daddy” culture (thanks, Suicide Squad), BDSM and the people who practice it have gotten a very bad reputation. BDSM, an acronym meaning Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism, is actually a wide array of activities both sexual and not. Here are 5 commonly incorrect assumptions about BDSM that we should discuss.

#1: BDSM is about pain and violence.

Although it’s in the name, not all people who practice BDSM enjoy giving or receiving pain or humiliation. Kinks can range from holding an ice cube in your mouth, to being hung upside down and flogged until welts appear. However you like it, is whatever is right for you!

#2: Dominants have the control, and Submissives don’t have a choice.

The core ideals of BDSM are consent and communication, which means that all acts are to be done in a safe, sane, and consensual manner. Both partners must agree on limits, safewords, and likes/dislikes. When there is no communication, it becomes abuse.

#3: Submissives have to call their Dominants all kinds of weird names.

Submissives can have names too! Whatever you and your partner choose to call or not call each other is okay as long as you’ve agreed upon it prior. For some people in the scene, some names can mean different things. For example, not all people who call their partners “Daddy” are practicing BDSM. Sometimes these are part of other communities like DD/lg (Daddy Dom/Little Girl), Pup and Handler, and so on. Names are not something to be demanded, they are discussed and earned.

#4: It’s all about sex.

A large part of BDSM is about the mind. For some, it can be about the need to let go of responsibility or to have control where there normally is none. Some need a sense of stability and routine or someone to indulge their more immature side, while others just like the feeling of rope on their skin, and don’t at all want have sex with you. This is why you may find many asexual folks in the BDSM community. An orgasm is not the end goal of every scene.

#5: You can’t have a normal life if you are in the scene.

Absolutely not true. Many kinksters are only doing scenes part-time, while others love to crawl around (if they’re into that) 24/7! Roles in BDSM are not personality traits. Anyone can be anything at any time as long as they’ve discussed it with their scene partner and everyone is happy. So live your kinky life as much or as little as you want!

We should really try and to erase not only the stigma around BDSM but the incorrect information the mainstream media is spreading about it. BDSM can be a fun time for everyone, as long as it’s safe, sane, and consensual. So good luck, and happy spanking! (If you’re into that.)

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