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Suffering Wasn’t ‘Empowering’ for Me

It’s the age old story: “I went through [insert horrible experience here] and became so much stronger.” It’s almost like people want to go through tough situations because it’s the ‘cool’ thing to do. Whose suffering is worse has become a rampant competition.

Well, I  am not inspired nor empowered by my suffering. In fact, I regret every second of having to go through it because I still face the repercussions of it today. I am a shell of myself who’s just now finding the light. And even though I wouldn’t have met one (or maybe a few) of the most important people in my life if it wasn’t for being sad, I still resent being treated awfully. I still resent my parents for taking away my confidence. I still resent every friend who treated me awfully and caused me to feel like I wasn’t worthy to be loved. I still resent every person who made me feel like I was ugly for years. While I’m not actively angry at any person in particular, I can’t help but resent that these situations happened in life.

Suffering has taken both a mental and emotional toll on my life. Moving around seven times has made me hate change. It’s made me uncomfortable with change and made me crave staying in one place, almost to the point of stagnancy. My parents taking my confidence and constantly putting me down has not only made me have to ‘find’ myself at the age of twenty, but has also made it difficult for me to express myself and to form healthy relationships. Every friend or guy who has mistreated me has made it incredibly difficult for me to trust anyone. Watching the people closest to me engage in self destructive behavior has made it so that I resorted to using that to cope as well. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Trauma isn’t inspiring or enlightening. It’s difficult to recover from. It’s made it incredibly hard for me to function in society as an adult because I was never able to speak up for myself or my feelings. I was never able to learn how to be strong because that was looked at as defiance. I was never able to form my interests and personality because it was torn apart whenever I would show it. All of the qualities that I should have developed to form me into the person I want to be now, I’m just now learning to develop. And it almost feels like it’s too late.

I’m left with crippling anxiety and depression from suffering and I do not feel inspired. It doesn’t have to define me, but I don’t run to tell my story to anyone and everyone. I don’t feel happy or enlightened and instead I’m left with lasting trauma.

Suffering wasn’t empowering for me.

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