All queer girls raise your hand if you’ve ever felt personally victimized by other queer girls. They don’t mean to do it and it’s in no way their fault that you just don’t “look like the type to like girls”. It’s probably really easy to assume someone’s sexuality based on how they look! Everybody does it, queer people included. If we aren’t flannel wearing, beanie toting, hammer wielding, and buzz cut sporting– how are they supposed to know we like girls?
Sadly, us straight-passing girls have tried everything to catch that girl’s eye! We’ve danced really aggressively to Halsey, said that Black Swan is our favorite movie, announced that Ellen Page is our idol, and none of it seems to work. Maybe we just weren’t meant to have a romance straight out of a Haley Kiyoko video, or maybe we’re just going about being queer the wrong way! Here are a few unhelpful (and completely satirical) tips to help my fellow straight-passers out!
1. Try Owning A Cat
Cats. Not only are they an obvious innuendo, but they also seem to go over really well with queer girls! There are entire Tumblrs dedicated to “queers with cats”. If you’ve ever wondered why cats were sacred in ancient Egypt, ask a queer girl. If you owned a cat you were obviously very royal and super, super queer. Having a cat might backfire on you however because they tend to prefer the “dominant queer”. You need to be that girl. Make sure everyone knows that cat is yours!!! That cat is your ticket into the wonderful world of queer. If you have allergies, maybe try a fish. A friend of a friend has a fish and she gets all the ladies.
2. Flannel Down To Your Undies
I wasn’t joking when I mentioned flannel earlier. If cats are a queer girl’s spirit animal, then a mountain of flannel is her throne. What better way to signal to other queer girls that you are in fact, also queer than by looking like Debbie Thornberry. On second thought, that’s not so bad! Bonus points if your sister can talk to animals. That won’t actually help you attract any queer girls unless they had a huge crush on Debbie Thornberry (who didn’t). Extra bonus points if you can pair the flannel with a white t-shirt. Nothing fancy, just your average joe tee! It needs to be white though, just like every queer girl in the world. Because all of them are white. POC queer folks are just a myth. Boo!
3. Hair Everywhere (Except Your Head)
Nothing screams queer girl like hairy legs and a bald head. Okay, not exactly bald but if you’re looking to become one of the queer, everybody knows short hair is the way to go! But don’t shave your legs, or your arms, or your pits– the more hair the better! And if you decide to keep the hair on you head long– I suggest dying it! The queerest of colors is blue, but if you’re confused you can always Google Halsey’s hairstyles for references.
4. Swear Off All Men
It’s a known fact that any girl of the queer variety is automatically a lesbian. All other sexualities don’t exist. You’re bi? Pansexual? No, you’re a lesbian. If you consider yourself to be anything else, then you’re just plain selfish! Everyone knows that you have to choose. So if you want the attention (and approval) of queer girls everywhere– no more boys! Anything other than devoting your life to girls 100% will automatically revoke your queer girl privileges. You will be blacklisted from all queer girl social groups. You must not be seen with anyone of the male variety: this includes your family. Say goodbye to your BFF Jeff! No one wants someone who can’t make up their mind!!!!
So there you have it ladies! That’s how you let everyone know that you are a card carrying queer. Actually, it might just be helpful to get an actual card. Business cards? Name, date of birth, and a giant RAINBOW CAT WEARING A FLANNEL. Seriously though, if people assume your sexuality based on what they assume someone of that sexuality would look like– they aren’t worth your time. And if someone won’t date you because of you’re attracted to more than one gender and/or sex: RUN AWAY NOW! Leave the flannels at home, call Jeff up to see the new Marvel movie, and find a queer girl who likes you for you!
This was satire.
