Nobody ever thinks that they’re the ones in an abusive relationship. At the time of the relationship my self-perception of my identity reflected a strong-minded woman, a commander of her own sexuality and will; an individual invincible against torrents of emotion or weakness.
As a result, it’s difficult to write about this because it’s taken an arduous process of months to come to terms with the extent of psychological abuse I experienced after a previous relationship. During the relationship it’s easy to believe that it’s normal behavior when in reality out of the relationship you realize how much you were uncomfortable and angry with.
To my very core, for awhile I believed that I deserved the nightmares, I deserved the anxiety, I deserved the guilt. So-called friends left me; family was my only foundation. I know that I wasn’t the best partner I could’ve been; oftentimes during the relationship I sought out other sources of attention to make up for the shitty experience I was having. Still, there are no excuses for myself or for my partner in that relationship.
Eventually I had to attend multiple therapy sessions, learn to trust again, and work on becoming a better woman; in and out of a relationship.
Surprisingly, a catalyst for my personal growth was an art exhibit I encountered.
It’s an art project called Faceless by Sarah Marie Hawkins. It showcases 20 anonymous women coming forward with their stories and experiences of sexual, emotional, and psychological abuse. These statements are plastered in a winding hallway and as visitors pass through, you’re encouraged to place a small red sticker next to those statements that especially resonate with you; showing your support, compassion, and sometimes shared anger with that woman’s experience.
It was beautiful and empowering and saddening all at the same time. Seeing other women’s experiences collectively, seeing how similar some of their experiences were with my own, made me truly evaluate what I had been avoiding for so long. Nobody deserves to be treated less than who they are.
Art is a medium that transcends language and societal boundaries, it is an aspect of life that can showcase beauty or embrace us with pain. It’s difficult to put your emotions into words, but art allows us to manifest those emotions into physical representations. If you are struggling to come to peace with an abusive relationship you experienced in the past, art is an amazing way to discover that peace and growth. Art imitates life, and while our lives are not the most stellar human experiences, art still captures all that is good and all that is bad.
It is this universality of art that beckons us to find peace.
I’ve now grown from that past relationship, demolished old destructive habits, and have focused on being a better person for myself and for whoever I share a relationship with in the future.
