Content warning for rape.
Chances are that you’ve heard of the tea metaphor for sexual consent. Briefly put, it places the idea of making someone a cup of tea in place of having sex: when you ask someone if they would like tea and they say yes, you can make them tea. If they say no, if they change their mind, if they are unconscious or otherwise unable to give a resounding “yes” to the tea, do not make it, do not force them to drink it.
Objectively, this is a valid and understandable metaphor. It puts consent in a context where everyone can understand, and it makes sense: if someone doesn’t want you to make them a cup of tea, why would you boil the kettle, let it brew, add milk, then make them drink it? You wouldn’t. However, to simplify the idea of sexual consent down to an everyday, harmless occurrence such as tea is highly problematic.
Just the other day, I asked a friend if he wanted me to get him some tea. His reply? “Yes, but I might change my mind so don’t make me drink it! Tea consent is important!”
Hilarious. Not. Thank you, but I’d rather not have triggering memories of my past relationships ingrained into my everyday life.
Do you know what desensitizing the general population to rape does? It promotes the rapists and hides the victims. Sure, you might think this metaphor is useful but what I’m saying is that if we reduce the issue of rape to something as meaningless as a mug of hot leaf and milk water, eventually, the feelings about rapists and their victims are slowly, slowly lessened. If, subconsciously, we are telling people that we can compare assault to tea, we are telling them that victims are overreacting.
Rape culture is real and thriving. Rape culture may be sat in your kitchen. Rape culture is harming us.
If someone makes you a cup of tea when you don’t want one, it’s a minor inconvenience. If someone tries to have sex with you when you don’t want to, it’s rape. This ‘tea metaphor’ has the potential to reduce people’s sensitivity to sexual assault, which is exactly what we should not be doing.
Unwanted tea is nothing to be concerned about. But rape? Rape is bad. It’s awful, it’s life ruining, it’s despicable. If you are explaining consent, do it accurately and explicitly, as it should be. You’re not protecting anyone except the abhorrent creatures who commit the crime in the first place.
