Love Yourself, Both In and Out

I’m never one to make New Years Resolutions simply because I’m the kind of person who will do something at any point during the year if I really wanted to achieve something.

But this year was a little different.

2016 was a year that I will never forget; because after 27 months, I finished my battle with depression.

And so I set myself a task: love yourself, both in and out.

Depression for me will always be something I associate with a part of my development as a person. Now that might be weird to hear because most people who talk about depression are associating it with something negative.

I’m talking about the people who actually have suffered or still suffer from depression, not those who treat it as an emotion.

And don’t get me wrong: depression sucks, like a lot.

There are some days or periods of times that I have relapses and it reminds me of how bad I used to be and how hopeless I used to feel.

But honestly, going through that time in my life made me appreciate the world I live in and the people around me a lot more. One of the things I used to do and still do to an extent now was concealing my emotions. I’m pretty sure you could tell my old friends that I suffered from depression and they would never believe you because I used to carry a smile around all day to try and conceal what I was really feeling.

Depression made me not only more aware of this in other people but also made me recognise how easy it is to shrink away and hide in a group of friends. To the outside world, it might not make sense to try and conceal your feelings when there are people ready to help but when you’re in that type of mindset it’s really the only thing that makes sense.

Part of my recovery involved me allowing myself being open to the prospect of other people caring and loving me.

That was a foreign thing to imagine; after being bullied for three years you start to lose hope and faith in humanity.

Sometimes having relapses allows me to smile; to me, the word relapse means I’ve overcome something, something I thought would plague me for the rest of my life is now part of my past and I never thought that I would be able to even think about depression like that.

I was suicidal at one point and I went from genuinely not thinking I would survive 2016 to being here in 2017 comfortable and loving myself more every day.

It was hard at first and it still is now and simple things like opening myself to the prospect of being beautiful and loved was insanely difficult but now having that mindset makes life worth living.

Before, whenever I was happy a feeling deep inside arose and told me that I didn’t deserve to be happy because of who I was and now I can’t imagine feeling like that. I’m happy and confident which is a surreal feeling for me because three years ago I was frightened of speaking in front of people I didn’t know and now some of my friends call me sociable (another foreign concept I would never associate with myself).

I think the overall point I’m getting at here is that we as humans all deserve love, hope and happiness. We deserve to get as much as we deserve in life. If you’re suffering from depression trust me I know how bad it is; I’ve been down deep as it gets and I’m here recovering day by day.

It sounds cliche but it does get better trust me, and you can start with something little like a note in your mirror reminding you that you are loved or surrounding yourself with people who will be a positive influence.

You can start by loving yourself, both in and out.