Now before my Asian community blasts me for my arrogance and perceives this as an unfilial act to my parents, I’m writing this article not because I’m walking away from my responsibilities as a daughter, I’m writing this article because I see how this ideology cages individuals in this vicious never ending cycle of fear and exhaustion.
In Confucian philosophy, filial piety (Chinese: 孝, xiào) means to engage in good conduct not just towards parents, but also outside the home, so as to bring a good name to one’s parents and ancestors; to perform the duties of one’s job well so as to obtain the material means to support parents as well as carry out sacrifices to the ancestors. You can read more about it here.
What one might not understand is that behind that title of being filial come the untold stories of suffering and pain that accompany it.
Filial piety serves its intended purpose well, teaching us the importance of gratitude towards our elders, strengthening our moral compass within. We as an Asian community often hear how being filial is a must, that your parents provided you everything and in return, you have to do the same and that those who don’t is unfilial and should not exist. However, do we pause and understand why they have chosen to be ‘unfilial’ in the first place?
Looking beyond
Let’s say a scenario where your parents worked hard and provided for you until you became an adult, never caring for their health. And once you’re fresh out of university and ready to enter the workforce, your parents fall ill to an incurable disease. All the medical bills, nursing and so on lie heavily on your shoulders. You can’t pursue what you want to pursue as you are in desperate need of paying off the bills and settle for a job you don’t like but pays just enough to pay off everything.
Let’s say you came from an abusive family background in which your parents physically, mentally and emotionally abused you. Would you still be considered unfilial if you put them in a home or pursued the life you wanted? Would you still be considered unfilial if you are unwilling to pay respects to them and support them despite the damage they’ve done? We don’t see that not all households have perfect family dynamics, not all households have the best intentions for their kids at heart. When one deviates away from this stereotype, we are quick to call out their cowardice and their ungratefulness towards their parents and even go the extent to blame westernization for them thinking that way. But is the westernization in the east really to blame?
The East vs The West: How the clash between two ideologies puts Generation Z and Millennials in a moral dilemma
In Asian culture, parents often give birth to a lot of children, thinking that when they grow old and retire, whatever happens to them will be on the children’s shoulders and not theirs. Whatever monetary or health issues they have will be none of their business, since their children are the ones to take care of them. The problem with this concept is that Asian parents treat their children like their life insurance, thinking that whatever they invest in them will return in greater rewards in the future. This way of thinking results in their children being weighed down by all these heavy responsibilities to a point that they are flying with clipped wings, unable to soar high.
In western culture, parents raise their children until they leave for college. One might criticize westerners for avoiding responsibility and being ungrateful, but isn’t that what Thanksgiving is for? Western parents don’t believe in their children’s sacrifice for them and let them spread their wings to soar where they want to soar, However, in Asian culture, we see that Asian children are tied down by so much weight that they don’t even have the energy to soar.
As the world become more globalized, it is inevitable that people in Asian countries adopt some western beliefs as well. This blend of beliefs lands Generation Z and Millennials in an Asian society in a dilemma: should they still practice filial piety and be chained down by heavy responsibilities or should they adopt the western belief that they are in control of their own life and pursue what they want to pursue? I see this dilemma being very prevalent in the multi-cultural Singapore because we are exposed to western culture at an early age.
I see my working-class mother struggle with taking care of my demented grandmother, as well as taking care of a 14-year-old daughter, foregoing the things she wants to pursue in life. I see my uncle having to work extremely hard to earn a living whilst taking on the responsibilities alongside my mother to take care of my grandmother. I see my father having to carry the responsibilities as the second son of a family. Are they considered bad people to leave these responsibilities behind and be themselves? After all, don’t parents want the best for us? If so, why are they hypocritical of their child doing what they want and be free?
The future
To those who criticize people of being unfilial and practice filial piety, I pose this question to you: Are you living the life your parents want you to live or are you living a life that you want to live? At the end of the day, I’m here to tell you that, sometimes, you have to let go of the emotional baggage you carry and soar.
