6/26/15: the day marriage became equal in every American State. The decision to recognize marriage rights became popular with the slogan “love won”. Bold statements such as “homophobia is over” were made.
This date marks an important victory for the LGBTQIAP+ community. And while the community celebrated, the allies cheered along with it, making many bold statements. The issue is, bold statements like “homophobia/transphobia is over” are far from true despite the progress our society is making every day to make them reality; they’re only ever claimed by people who have never experienced institutionalized oppression, or those that don’t understand it. Despite the good intent behind them, they’re still not of any help. This victory has been exploited by bigots to make the point that, “if ‘gays’ can marry now, how is our society homophobic?” An assumption like that would only be logical to those ignorant to the struggles the LGBTQIAP+ community suffers (and the erasure faced by the BTQIAP+ part in particular), which leads us to the question: if allies and bigots can make the same assumptions, in spite of different intentions, what good do allies do?
“Ally” is a term that has been used so loosely it’s started to spark resentment within the community. This is an issue, since even though they’re not a part of the community, allies are important. They’re part of the dominant culture, and that privilege gives them a platform to speak out against oppression and elevate MOGII (Marginalized Orientations, Gender Identities & Intersex)’s voices. And yet, many people don’t know of the struggles MOGII face daily enough to speak out about them, which is related to the minimal coverage and representation queer people get in media. However, ignorance is inexcusable. This is why education is so important.
A person educated on LGBTQIAP+ issues knows that, even though “love won” on that particular day in that particular place, the fight against the marginalization of the community is far from over. The US joined a very short list of countries that grant equal marriage rights, consisting of only 24 countries (Freedom to Marry). This means that another 172 countries are yet to recognize people’s freedom to marry. The very fact that people still call it “gay marriage” enforces a binary that erases gender identities and poly-orientations. Meanwhile, trans homicide rates have reached an ultimate high in the US, with 15 transgender people murdered by August 15 (Time). If caught, their murderers can use the “trans panic” defense and claim that upon finding out their victims were transgender, they were so shocked that they committed murder; this transphobic form of defense is legal and considered legitimate in court globally – everywhere except in California (Criminal Law). These terrifying facts are just scratching the surface of the struggles the LGBTQIAP+ community face daily. Researching is an important part of being an ally; education is fundamental. Even though straight and cis allies don’t experience gender and orientation-based discrimination, it’s a priority that they know about it and don’t invalidate it. Their ignorance is not bliss to those who suffer because of it.
Education is the first step to being an ally; and yet, it’s not nearly enough. An ally actively supports a community. The mismatch between what they do and what is expected of them comes from the fact that the term “support” is up for interpretation. Tweeting hashtags like #LoveWon and celebrating marriage equality with Pride flag filters on your selfies on social media is a form of support; the keyword in the aforementioned definition, however, is actively. To actively support a marginalized group of society, you need to be there all the time – not just to celebrate its victories. People don’t get to pick and choose when to be oppressed; an ally doesn’t get to pick and choose when to support them. Using the knowledge of queer people’s experiences with oppression to take action is the second step. Speaking out against discrimination when witnessing it is important; it helps victims battle bigotry and know they have someone to trust, and it’s educational. Often people don’t even know what they’re saying is hurtful and offensive, and calling them out is sharing knowledge and preventing them from hurting someone again. Staying silent when faced with minorities’ struggles just makes you compliant with what they’re experiencing. Not speaking up encourages discrimination and makes you an ally to the oppressors, rather than the oppressed.
There’s a fine line between speaking up for and speaking over communities and it’s a line that should be respected. While calling out instances of oppression is necessary, it’s important that allies elevate the voices of the oppressed, rather than silence them. Taking credit for what the communities have been saying for years, and the overused statement “you don’t need all these labels, we are all human” are examples of speaking over MOGII. While it’s a fact that “we’re all people”, allies need to know that labels are an important part of the LGBTQIAP+ community, and it’s not the labels that segregate it from society; they were already marginalized. Thus, labels are a way to recognize their oppression and to invalidate them is to invalidate the community’s struggles. Meanwhile, policing reclamations of slurs that affect people within the community is also common even though straight and cisgender people have no say in what LGBTQIAP+ people do with words that affect them in the first place. Another type of speaking over is the infamous phrase “the ‘A’ stands for Allies”, implying that allies are part of the community.
The issue with this is that, as mentioned before, allies are not oppressed on the basis of their gender or orientations, and are therefore not part of the community, which is why they’re valuable to it; they can reach out to a wide audience. However, by claiming a spot in the acronym they’re erasing asexual and aromantic people who are an actual part of MOGII. In spite of the intention to support, this is oppressive. Meanwhile, understanding you’re not part of the community means admitting that you have privileges that queer people don’t. The nature of privilege is such that you always benefit from it, whether you’re MOGII-phobic or not, which is why diverting the attention to yourself when saying “well, not all straight people are like that” when a member of the community is speaking out against oppression is also an issue. It’s true that “not all straight people are like that”, but pointing it out does nothing to battle discrimination. It’s tone policing, and its only purpose is to undermine the validity of an argument. Generalizations are bad and they can be hurtful, but people’s lives and fundamental rights are prioritized over hurt feelings. While supporting marginalized groups should be the norm, these boundaries shouldn’t be overstepped.
What is the line? How do I know if the actions I take are too much, or not enough? Is this a “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” situation? These are questions that you’re probably asking yourself right now – or at least you should be. The point of this narrative wasn’t to point out all the mistakes that allies make to condemn them; it’s to use them as a way to teach. Mistakes are an opportunity to learn. No one is born educated, especially not in a society that would rather not talk about the LGBTQIAP+ community than discuss the problems it faces. It’s why allies are so confused by the actions they should take, and by what phrases like “active support” mean. The only sure way to know that for sure is to ask: what do queer people want from you? How much is too much? Active support means being there to always offer help and spread awareness, but not diverting the spotlight to yourself, or silencing people. And to answer the ultimate question, this is not a “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” situation. The rule of thumb you should be following in your fight against marginalization is simple: don’t be silent, and don’t silence. Silence means compliance.
