Femininity: noun; the quality of being female, womanliness. Feminine: adjective; having qualities or appearance traditionally associated with women, specifically delicacy and prettiness. Who would have thought that both of these seemingly harmless words would still be so tragically misunderstood in 2016? That’s right, in our world today, femininity is perceived as a bad thing.
When dissecting the definition of what it means to be feminine, you will find examples like this: “She celebrates her femininity by wearing makeup and high heels” or “A feminine frilled blouse”” or “The association of the arts with the feminine.” All of those things lead us to believe that femininity itself is defined and limited to such frivolous things. If makeup, high heels, and a blouse with ruffles are the things a person needs to be in touch with their femininity, then I am severely failing by those standards of femininity. This is really rather silly considering the fact that makeup, heels, and shirts do not have a gender identity or expression. To categorize those things with femininity leads to the disillusion of what it truly means to be feminine. Sure, femininity does tie itself to girls/women, but we ladies are not defined by how we dress or appear. Femininity is not any of those things.
Also, femininity is so often associated with the arts (dancing, theater, etc..) and masculinity is associated with intelligence and power (math, businessmen, etc..). This is why it is so hard for girls to break out into “masculine” careers like engineering or other male dominated career paths. This is why boys are shamed when they choose to become a dancer on Broadway instead of a lawyer. This is why there is terms with negative connotations like “male nurse.” This is also why girls are taught from a young age to dress up their dolls while boys are taught to play with building blocks. We are conditioned to think and live within these gender restrictions from birth. Little girls wear pink and have baby dolls while little boys wear blue and play outside in the mud with their toy trucks. Why are we still so reliant on these gender norms? Are our brains still relying on femininity and masculinity for categorization?
Femininity is also so domesticated, girls are expected to learn how to be mothers, clean, and cook so that when they are older they can be the perfect housewife while their husbands make all the money. It isn’t 1950 anymore, these standards are broken and done with. Women are capable of so much more than that and men can cook pancakes just as well. Personally, I am a terrible cook and I dislike kids. I also want a successful kick ass medical career. I’m the gender norm’s worst nightmare.
Femininity is also distorted into other “standards” that are aimed to harm not only girls, but also men. Femininity is seemingly in a constant battle with a man’s most prized possession, his masculinity. Boys will latch onto their masculinity as if their life depends on it. Think about this: What are the worst names you can call a girl? Bitch, cunt, slut, and whore are the ones that first come to mind. The first two words are used to attack a girl for how she acts and the last two words are used to shame a girl for how she chooses to express her sexuality as a sexual being. You can be feminine, but not TOO feminine or else your femininity is now somehow “dirty” sexually and now you’re a slut. Also, dress womanly, but not TOO womanly or else you will distract men and then he will have no control over himself. This is a common justification for rape, girls are too sexual and boys can’t control themselves. Girls are sexual beings and that is not a bad thing at all. It is important that we teach boys not to rape instead of teaching girls to police their bodies and sexual expression in order to not get raped. It is our jobs as girls to express our femininity enough to appear weak, but not enough to make men “uncomfortable.” Femininity walks so many blurry lines and it is too easy to cross one.
Now, what are the worst names you can call a boy? Pussy and faggot are easily the top two. The first word is often used to chastise a boy for when he seems less masculine and more feminine, therefore making him weak in some way. The second word is a homophobic slur used to shame boys for seeming to be gay or even “girly”. So, essentially the worst things you can call a boy is gay or a girl. Why is coming off as gay or feminine such a horrible thing for guys? This is directly tied into toxic masculinity. Boys have to deal with this constant pressure to be so in touch with their masculinity, so as to hide their femininity to not appear weak or god forbid, girly or gay. Think about the negatively used terms so often exchanged between boys: “No homo”, “That’s so gay”, “Don’t be a pussy”, “Man up”, “Grow a pair.” Boys are conditioned to battle against femininity. This is a key as to why femininity is so inherently hated in our world. With every male growing up feeling the need to hide all feminine aspects of their being, it is actually understandable how they can grow up to become homophobic and sexist. This is because male homosexuality is associated so tightly with femininity. Think about it, when you imagine a gay couple you probably think of two guys who are girly, feminine, and they probably wear fashionable clothes and like fruity drinks. They are a girl’s “gay best friend”, a perfect example of this is Kurt Hummel from Glee. I even think that since we live in a heteronormative world, we see two gay guys together and our brains automatically make the connection that at least one of those guys has to be feminine. When in fact, a relationship is not strictly limited to gender barriers, like one feminine being and one masculine being. So, with male homosexuality wrongly linked to femininity, it is no wonder why these two things are still under attack in our world today.
Femininity is a way to express gender, sexuality, and self being. It is not confined to its stereotypes and misconceptions. It is certainly not fighting a war against masculinity, even though sometimes our society tells us it is. Femininity is not a bad word. Femininity is not makeup and long hair. Masculinity is not toughness and muscles. Femininity is not delicate or weak. Masculinity is not superior or more powerful. They are both one in the same, every person has them and has the ability to express them in their own way. Femininity is not something to be ashamed of, even if you are a guy. I even believe that femininity is found in all of us, no matter how “manly” you are. Masculinity is expressed in girls and femininity is expressed in guys. They are part of our being and there is no reason that one should be hated upon and one should be idealized. Realize that there is so many other gender identities and sexualities other than cis and hetero. Gender is over and this unfairness should be too.
Guys, I hope that you can freely express your inner feminine being because no matter how many times you cover it up by trying to “man up”, your femininity is there and it is wonderful. Girls, I hope that you can express your inner masculinity without feeling as if you are compromising yourself or succumbing to a more powerful force because guess what, masculinity is not more powerful than femininity. Be badass and express your identity, sexuality, and inner self without fear or shame. One day society will catch up, but don’t wait until that day to be yourself.
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