Disclaimer: This story is very graphic and triggering. Mentions sexual assault.
I’m not really sure how to go about this so I guess I’ll just tell it from the start – I thought his drawings were sick and I hoped one day he would draw my future album art. I quickly got to know him and realize he always made me feel like I owed him for taking time out of his busy schedule to text me. I got sucked into that way of thinking. He would bombard my phone with nudes and make me feel like I had to send him some too. He’d make me feel bad if I didn’t send one back. He kept asking me to FaceTime him but I declined. I’m an incredibly insecure person––especially at that time because I didn’t have experience with guys. I was shocked someone as popular as him would talk to me. I was only 18 and naive but I really wanted to work with him. He had this mysterious thing about him that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
We met for dinner on a Sunday evening at Westfields Stratford. I was half an hour late and he was really pissed off because he had taken time out to meet. He made sure I felt bad about it. We bumped into one of his close friends whom I actually knew before I knew him. We chatted for a bit then left and went to find somewhere to eat. We went to Strada and it was quite empty. We sat and straight away he made me feel uneasy. His personality was the type where you could never tell if he was joking or not. There was this aura about him where you just felt like you had to be careful what you said. I feel like I should’ve listened to my gut there and then but I didn’t.
We finished eating and my friend was supposed to be meeting me to go back to my brothers flat. (She came down to visit me from London) I called her to ask where she was and she said she hadn’t left her boyfriend’s place yet. I hang up and my date says lets go for a walk. I had no reason not to I guess, it was quite late around 10 or 11. Westfields was pretty much empty. We went to this quieter area. There wasn’t anyone around at all. We sat on a bench,suddenly he tried to put his hand down the back of my trousers. I was confused and asked, “what are you doing?”,he replied and said “it feels good right?”It triggered me because a guy had done that to me before. I started crying,panicking and telling him to stop. He didn’t listen and proceeded to try and kiss me. I managed to break free and stand up. He came over and put his hands on either side of my head and held it so tightly. I’d look away and he would pull my head back so I’d be facing him. He said in such a stern abrupt voice “what’s wrong?”. I just cried. He was getting angry. I said, “it reminded me of something in school”, He said, “I didn’t know that” and hugged me. He let go and started pacing up and down.
I was looking around thinking I could run but I just froze.
He’s bigger than me,stronger than me,and faster than me. I stood there still in shock.To this day I still regret that. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was checking for people. He guided me around to a corner and shone the torch off his phone around. I asked what he was doing and he said he was checking for surveillance. He told me to drop my pants. I didn’t do it initially but then he told me to do it again in a more angry voice. So I pulled them down half way and I was silently crying. His penis was huge and at the time I only had sex once in my life so I was already not used to penetration as well as not wanting it. My vagina was tight and dry, when it’s not wet sex is painful. So he forced his penis and I honestly never felt anything more painful in my life. I wanted to scream but no sound came out. He told me to say “thank you daddy” and I barely whispered it because I was in such shock. I could hardly make a sound. I don’t know exactly how long it lasted. It felt like forever but I think it was no more than 10 minutes or so. He nutted on me and told me to pull my trousers back up. He started walking away and I was shaking. I felt sick. He walked me back to Westfields and slapped my butt and said he liked it. He went to the toilet to “freshen up”. It’s all a bit of a blur really. I called my friend and she said she was just going to stay over at her boyfriend’s. I got the tube (bus) back most of the way then got on a train at Victoria to Streatham Hill. I ended up getting on the wrong train and I was stranded there because it was so late on a Sunday. I called my brother to pick me up. While I was waiting for him some guy came over and kept pestering me asking for my number. Luckily my brother came just in time. We got back to his house and I just bursted out crying. He thought it was because of the man at the station but yeah… it wasn’t.
I tried to wrap my head around what happened. Was it rape? I mean I met him willingly? I knew him? Yes. Yes it was. It’s taken me so long to accept that that it is what it was. But I said no. My body language said no. I broke free when he first tried to kiss and finger me. I was hysterically crying. I went along with what he said because I was terrified. Society has painted rape out to be some random deranged man dragging you off into the bushes, when more often than not it’s by someone you already know. He had a way of manipulating my mind. I even texted him after saying that I got home ok. He has this huge social media following and everyone loves him.
He utilised this facade he’s created for himself. I somehow felt like I owed him something? Like it was some privilege for him to talk to me? He somehow had control over my thoughts and I was so overwhelmed with emotion. He began texting me less and then he blocked me on all social media. He told me that I could tell my friends how much of a bastard he is but “do your worst, I’ll be fine”. I somehow pleaded with him? Reading through old texts. I am so disgusted at how confused I was and how he had me wrapped around his little finger. My whole life I’ve been searching for something. Anything. I don’t know quite what my thought process was but I didn’t hear from him again other than him confirming he had posted my CDs back to me.
He texted me a month or so later wishing me a happy birthday. Then I decided to just attempt to move on from it all. The next and last time he texted me was in December. He’d seen me smoking in a friend’s snapchat and texted me “didn’t know you smoked :/”. As you can imagine this completely threw me off guard. Totally unexpected. I didn’t have his number saved but I soon worked out who it was based off previous texts. I asked him though “who is this” to which he replied “we had sex once”. I felt sick. He asked me if we could “be adults about this” and he apologised. However he never said what he apologised for. I didn’t particularly want to talk to him at all. Was this him acknowledging what he’d done? I don’t know. But I do know that he is a smart guy. I have seen him manipulate other girls into sending nudes claiming he’ll draw them and threatening to expose them if they didn’t comply to his demands. The things this man says to women and the way he treats them is fucking gross. He entices girls in with this artsy shit. He has a way with words and he knows exactly what he’s doing. He claims to be a private person but I think he says that so girls don’t speak up about what he’s doing.
The point of this was not to bait him out to the world. I mean I could if I wanted to. I am not protecting him either. I am protecting myself. The internet can be so insensitive, especially regarding rape. People always have something to say. People simply won’t understand why I didn’t go to police or why I texted him after. And that’s ok. You are entitled to an opinion. But please respect the fact that I have already tortured myself with what ifs. I am writing this to raise awareness of rape. To make you more wary when meeting people off the internet.
The internet allows people to create the person they want to be. It allows people to show only what they want to show. You don’t get the same first impressions via DM as you do face to face. I am writing to be a voice for those who are frightened to speak up about abuse they have experienced – whether it’s physical or emotional. I am writing this as a way of perhaps gaining some sort of healing for myself. That day completely changed my life forever. I can’t undo it but I can control what I choose to do from now on. You can too.
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