Before things got serious we’d talk regularly. He’d flirt, I’d flirt back. We were both convinced it wouldn’t develop further. We swore up and down that eventually, the conversation would fizzle out and we’d forget about each other. A relationship like this isn’t sustainable, I’d tell myself.
When I first started catching feelings, I denied it. How can I have feelings for someone thousands of miles away? I was in denial for the longest time. I soon would learn that resisting my feelings would prove to be futile. I would be hopelessly in love.
I was terrified; I had never been in a serious relationship before. I had never experienced romantic love. This fear was reinforced by the fact that losing him was so easy. All he had to do was stop replying to my texts and I’d be out of his life forever. I remember being in a perpetual state of mental preparation for when he’d lose interest in me or meet someone else. Someone better, someone prettier, someone closer.
The first ‘I love you’ came as a surprise. We were on skype; there was a moment where both of us stared at our screens in silence. It just came out, “I love you.” He stayed silent for a while and replied with, “you’re okay.” The silence lingered for a while before we both laughed and resumed normal conversation. The next day, he finally admitted he loved me. “That’s nice,” I said.
After over a year of late night skype calls and mushy messages, he told me he was coming to visit. It didn’t feel real until I was finally able to see him in person. I hadn’t realized how deeply I fell until he pulled me closer to his body and kissed me for the first time in the empty bookstore. When he kissed my hand and told me he loved me, I decided waiting for so long was completely worth it. Saying goodbye was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. We were both teary eyed and heavy hearted as we stayed in complete silence except for the occasional sniffle and deep exhale.
I realize I took a risk. There’s a stigma against long distance relationships. That stigma is what made me so fearful of something so great. I’ve been asked questions like, “How do you know you love each other if you’ve never even kissed or touched?” I know because real love should transcend physical touch. With seven billion people on this planet right now, not every impactful connection will happen within such limited distances. These relationships are difficult, but they are also valid and- with the right person- are worth the waiting, the tears and the miles.
