Dear Meninists: I speak to you today as more than a woman; I speak to you as an object (hopefully this makes me less intimidating). So far, you’ve done a wonderful job bringing attention to the great, unacknowledged plight of straight, white men. But, as with any movement, you’ve been met with resistance; people are branding you as radical meni-nazis left and right. While your mission remains an honorable one, the fact is that your movement’s public image needs a massive makeover.
Here’s a little secret about women: we absolutely love being treated like barbie dolls. While feminists may claim to hate you, the way to every girl’s heart is through smooth compliments and condescension. Let me walk you through a scenario to explain…
You see a woman wearing a shirt that says “girl power” in bright letters. Immediately, your male senses begin to tingle. Girl power? Where…where do the men fit into this apocalyptic notion? This girl, if left unchecked, will steal all your masculine mojo and use it to overthrow the male president, establishing an all female totalitarian state! Not that you think women are any less intelligent – but the risk that comes with the emotions of a woman, especially when she’s on her period, is too great. It is obviously your duty to inform her of the facts as an educated, superior citizen.
But this girl will be difficult to convince…she’s probably one of those radicals protesting for equality. So, as you approach her, make sure to be obvious when you check her out from head to toe. ‘Chicks’ dig that kind of thing. Open up the conversation with a suave comment on her appearance (some of my favorites include: “you’re really pretty for an Asian” and “nice butt”). Don’t worry if she tenses up or looks uncomfortable – she’s probably either surprised such a hot guy is talking her, or she’s playing hard to get. We women just live for validation. Next, open up a dialogue! Make sure to be civil and avoid losing your cool. Try starting with something like, “So, I noticed your shirt – why do you hate men?” This will really initiate a productive discussion (sometimes, the best way to bring someone out of their bubble is to attack them). When the girl starts to womansplain (because she will), Cut Her Off. This asserts your dominance as a Male™, and will trigger her innate, subservient Female™ nature. Here’s where it gets tricky – you’ve got to tell her how she’s wrong in the most patronizing way possible without revealing that you know nothing about what you’re saying. Cite media outlets you hear a lot about in the news to sound official…I’ve heard Breitbart works really well. The way you treat her as though she’s ignorant will hide the fact that you, in fact, are the one who is ignorant! Amazing, right?
It’s all in the approach, my friend. Follow this advice, and you’ll be on your way to educating your poor, ignorant female peers.
But it’s not just your approach to the Less Educated that needs reform – your entire public image has to be changed. One of the core issues with meninism is that people don’t understand that anyone can be a meninist. They hear the word “men” and automatically think that it’s male-centric, which is completely untrue. Just because meninism focuses on men doesn’t mean it hasn’t thought about the roles women can occupy! Remember to include women in your agenda by encouraging them to pursue jobs like “secretary” and “housewife”. By designating less physically demanding tasks to women, you give them a taste of how lovely it is to revert to traditional gender roles. It’s a win-win! You’ll enjoy the restoration of boundless opportunity, less competition, and have all the say as the Alpha Male, and she’ll enjoy the feeling of having her entire life planned out for her (less stress means fewer wrinkles!). Just because your movement is about uplifting white men doesn’t mean that you want to push down women! After all, everyone knows that women are just made differently… they’re physically incapable of picking up things over 10 pounds! (Once, I saw a woman try to pick up her toddler, and she ended up breaking her arm…that’s exactly the sort of thing that meninism is out to protect us from, ladies!)
My last piece of advice to you to stay determined. You have many opponents in this race for justice – bleeding heart liberals, feminists, and generally decent people will all look at you as a hindrance to progress. But always remember that you are offering the world something wholly new – a world run by men! All new ideas take time to become accepted, and never before has something like this been attempted. It will be a long fight getting the representation white men deserve in the media. Trying to get rid of the 3% of movies with female minority leads will be an uphill battle, but with enough patience and belief in your ingenuitive ideas, anything is possible! And if you ever find yourself lacking inspiration, look to our great He-Man, Donald J. Trump. If he can lead a nation without having an ounce of experience in politics and foreign affairs, then you can certainly pioneer a social movement without having a clue of actual social conditions in the world.
Note: This piece is satirical. Meninists are trash, and my real advice to them is this: stop.