For as long as I can remember, I have dealt with excessive worrying and going through thoughts in my head over and over again. I didn’t question it much when I was younger as everyone would refer to me as a perfectionist. I assumed this constant fear of the future, of the unknown, was part of that need to be perfect. I failed to realized that it was the other way around. The need to be without flaws was a symptom of the anxiety that was rooted deep inside me and craved to continue blossoming each day.
During off again on again years with a psychologist, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. Although it is clear that GAD deals with the anxiousness, many people are not aware with other symptoms that also play a big part. People with GAD can suffer from restlessness, headaches, lightheadedness, fatigue, irritability, fear, trouble concentrating, insomnia, and so forth.
Lack of concentration, fatigue, and irritability are my main culprits. I tend to feel on an edge and find it difficult to be around others, or even myself sometimes. Being easily fatigued is probably the worst of them all as I feel sluggish and go through long periods of lethargy. It is sometimes hard to deal with everyday activities such as working out or driving. This along with constant thoughts and decisions spinning through my mind can be tortuous.
Therapy and medications are treatment options for people suffering from GAD. I tried therapy but I did not find it useful at all. I like doing the figuring out my mind part on my own. I recently started taking antidepressants in hopes of a relief. I am only a week in so judgement is off the table for now. Writing as always been a way to distract my mind and calm my nerves when my anxiety acts up. It’s actually three am right now and each letter of each word is helping me not lose my mind.
I crave sanity. I crave to go down the street without assuming that any giggle within 200ft is directed towards me. I should probably stop the flattery of claiming to be comedic entertainment. I go through decisions at least 10 times before committing and I count money at least five times to be sure. Anxiety is worrying about your parents’ lives more than they do. Anxiety is fearing the future of those around you while everyone else is living life to the max day by day.
Maybe one day I’ll stop fearing life and remember to actually live it instead.