Recently I was able to get in contact with my biological father and three of his children; the part of me I never knew. I’ve always wondered how my brothers and sister were doing, but I find myself less enthused about my father. Maybe it’s because he wasn’t my father. I don’t remember his face, the sound of his voice, or any of the stories my Mama and Grandmama like to tell. However, I have learned a few things and since growing up without two parents is a pretty common thing— I’ll share them with you.
Lesson #1: Learn To Love The Parent You Have
My mom isn’t always perfect, but I’ve learned to work with her. We argue and we disagree on a whole lot but at the end of the day, she’s my mom. For a very long time she was both mother and father, and that’s not an easy job. I try her patience every single day but I know that there would be no me if I didn’t have her to raise me right. When you only have one parent, you learn that sometimes one is all you need. My father will never hold the place in my heart that my Mama does, no matter what happens. If he had really wanted to be in my life, he would’ve but that doesn’t mean I (or you) have to be angry at them all the time. My Mama taught me that anger at someone who doesn’t even know you’re angry gets you nowhere. Talking to my father now, I am so glad I’ve never been angry at him.
Lesson #2 You Don’t Have To Love An Invisible Parent
For a while I wanted to love my father, I really did but; I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I felt really bad about that when we first started talking. However, I realized that you can’t love someone you don’t know. For seventeen years I’ve been without him. I only know his face because it looks like mine. How can I possibly love someone whose face I don’t recognize without thinking of my own? The pressure at first is strong. You’ll want to love every inch of the parent that left, but you don’t know enough about them to do that. That’s okay, it’s not your fault. Focus on the parent that’s with you. They love you and if you love them too that’s all that matters.
Lesson #3 Don’t Blame Yourself
It’s really easy to think you were the reason one of your parents left, especially if it happened right when you were born. Don’t do it. Parents go through a lot and while sometimes the stress of having a kid can be a real tough load— a lot of parents are willing and ready. Some though, just aren’t. But that’s not your fault, it’s theirs. Even know I wonder if I was the reason my Mama and my father aren’t together. I know that I’m not, but after seventeen years it’s really easy to think that. If you’re confused on why you’re missing a parent, just ask. It’s scary and sometimes you won’t get a straight answer; but I promise it’s worth it. I still don’t know exactly what happened with my parents, but my Mama made sure to tell me that I was loved. My father does the same. It’s a little harder to believe when he says it, but there’s a big enough part of me that wants to— so I do.
Lesson #4 Try Not To Make The Same Mistakes
Following in your parent’s footsteps is something we all want to do as kids but parents make mistakes. Don’t make the same ones. If you have children and you can’t stay with them; don’t disappear forever. Maybe me and my father would have a better relationship if we had talked sooner. I’m not sure, but maybe. He missed out on some of the best parts of being a father to me and I can’t imagine how he must feel. I don’t want to. It’s important to be in a child’s life if you’re a parent. Think of all the things you’ll miss if you aren’t.
Lesson #5 Be Thankful
Often I think about what would have been. Don’t do that. The past is the past and your present and future are what matter. Things work out the way they’re supposed to, I think. If you get lost in would-have-beens, it can be so easy to forget what’s in front of you. You may never have two parents and to be honest, you might not need two. I got lucky and I have one of the best mothers out there. She’s worked hard to make sure I got to decide how I felt about my father. I’m not sure yet (that’s another thing, take your time) and that’s okay. I do know how I feel about her though. I love her very, very much. I don’t just see my father when I look in the mirror, I see my Mama too.
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