Recently, I wrote an article on Affinity entitled, “18 Things Your Mentally Ill Loved One Wants You To Know”. I’m glad to have seen others relating to and agreeing with its content, and I’ve even seen people referring the article to people in their lives in hopes it will communicate to them things they feel unable to say. As a writer, this is ultimately one of the most satisfying things ever: seeing my work play a positive, real-life impact in the lives of others.
While I tried to make my article broad and inclusive of people who fall anywhere and everywhere on the mental health spectrum, I couldn’t help but feel as though there was a very large aspect of my life and experiences with mental illness that were neglected by the article, simply because of the unique stigma and societal perceptions surrounding it. So, I have compiled a list of 18 things that, throughout the six years I have struggled with disordered eating, I have wanted to tell the people in my life- from close friends to misguided parents to entitled strangers who’ve treated my body to their unsolicited opinions and stares.
This Isn’t All About Looks
First things first, let’s get this straight. I understand where the confusion is. Yes, almost every ED will cause a change in appearance to some extent, and yes, the majority of people- especially those with Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa and EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified)- do intend to lose weight. But it’s simply an oversimplification- or a dismissal- to suggest that weight is the only thing this is about.
For starters, there are EDs where controlling one’s appearance isn’t a part of the diagnosis (like Binge Eating Disorder). But even for those that do intend to control appearances, that isn’t all it’s about. Eating disorders are ultimately coping mechanisms- not unlike addiction or self-injury- and isn’t just about coping with our bodies. People with EDs often have all-round low self-esteem, meaning we’re likely to really, really, really dislike ourselves through and through- not just the way we look. Yes, being overweight or obese puts you at a risk factor for developing an eating disorder- the stigma and hopeless feelings that come with being heavy in our society can contribute to this. But most ED-sufferers already have another mental illness- and often have other factors such as complicated family lives, a history of addiction, strong academic pressure, careers that expect them to adhere to certain body standards, a history of abuse, and living in poverty. So, in short, EDs are ways to cope with all-round stressful and sometimes traumatic situations- don’t discredit us as just vain.
Not All Of Us Are Thin
Surprise, surprise, eating disorder sufferers come in all shapes and sizes. While it is true that anorectics (yes, that is the right word for a person suffering from Anorexia!) and those with restrictive EDs are often underweight, that doesn’t go for most people suffering from one. People with EDs like Bulimia and Binge Eating Disorder are often average or overweight, and these disorders can actually lead to weight gain- yes, even bulimia. There are actually a whole slew of eating disorders that fall under the EDNOS category, like Muscular Dysmorphia and Orthorexia, which may not lead to particularly “disordered” looking bodies- and don’t forget that people in the earliest stages of EDs are still suffering, even if their physical appearance doesn’t reflect it yet. Being underweight doesn’t necessarily mean your ED is worse than anyone else’s- between heart attacks, an increased risk of obesity and diabetes, headaches, stomach ulcers, irregular periods, kidney failure, chronic dehydration, pain, digestive issues and general self-hatred, a person who doesn’t look paper thin could still be going through a hell like you can’t even imagine.
Goal Weights Won’t Stop Us
“You’ve lost enough, you look good at this weight.”
Sorry, but that’s how dieters think, not ED-sufferers. As established, not everyone with an eating disorder will lose weight or even try to, but for those who do, they won’t be stopped by hitting a certain weight or looking good. Please, stop acting like this is a way for us to drop a dress size before prom or fit into jeans from that store that seems to stop at size 4. We use our patterns- whether it be eating, exercise or any weird rituals in between- to cope with our world and our mental illness, and, even if we aren’t aware of it, it’s our disordered patterns that we are obsessed with, not the goal of weight loss. Dropping to a goal weight or receiving approval from our peers simply is not enough for us to overcome our EDs, and anyways, because of a little thing called body dysmorphia, we likely won’t be able to see our own “progress” accurately- meaning what you might see as a perfect bikini body we see as extremely fat.
Please Don’t Criticize Our Weight
“You’re looking too thin- you looked the best like, ten pounds ago.”
“You have put on a couple pounds recently, eh?”
“Do you really think a boy wants a girl who looks that muscular?”
Making unwarranted, unhelpful comments about other people’s body types is never a smart idea- but it can be straight up dangerous to say to someone with an eating disorder. As mentioned, many of us have body dysmorphia, which means we can’t really perceive our own looks properly- which means we are very susceptible to the opinions of others. Poor body image helped dig us into this lightless hole we’re in, so please don’t try to add to that. You might think something is a compliment- i.e., weight gain- bot for us it’s just a reminder of how we “failed”, especially if we are in recovery. You might think telling us our skinny bodies are less attractive than our original weight is a good thing- after all, if thinking we’re fat was enough to make us starve ourselves, making us feel too thin is likely going to make everything go back to the way it once was!- but once again, we will not see it this way. For some of us, it may serve as a twisted motivation, and for others, it won’t make us feel any better about our body image, but will make us feel guilty and helpless- we didn’t think we were pretty then, and now we know we can’t be pretty now.
In short, if you feel you need to say something to us about our eating disorders, don’t decide to frame it as a critique of our current, former or hypothetical future bodies. Just don’t.
Don’t Bring It Up During Meals
There’s a time and a place for everything, and when it comes to eating disorders, meal times are not the time to discuss it. Whether we’re eating or not, meals are often a sensitive time for us- we may be fighting hunger pangs, fearing a binge, or trying our bests to get enough nutrition into our bodies without feeling a consuming sense of guilt. We don’t need to hear about our eating disorders or their impacts right now. We don’t want comments about how much or how little we’re eating. We don’t want you to discuss our bodies, or talk about being hungry, or ask about our weight. We get it, the concern is strongest when you’re watching the disordered eating unfold before you, but seriously- if you care about us now, you can care an hour from now.
Not All Of Us Are Girls
This is important. A predicated ninety percent of ED sufferers are female- but it’s important not to erase the ten percent that aren’t. The idea that only girls have eating disorders reinforce the damaging concept that only women face body image issues, and the negative stereotype that EDs are associated with vanity, immaturity, selfishness and stupidity- i.e., things we like to associate with women and girls.
This Isn’t Only A Teen Thing
Like with gender, eating disorders don’t have age restrictions. Most MIs develop in adolescence, and EDs are the same- but like any mental illness, it is serious, chronic, and will not go away on its own. Many people suffer from EDs during their adult life, and many people who develop them at young ages suffer for years or even decades. It all depends on when and if they get treatment, how effective the treatment is, and what their support system is like. Don’t discredit someone by saying “they’re too old to act this way”, or shame someone because they have a full time job, are a parent, etc.
Just Because We Look Better, Doesn’t Mean We Are
Looking better is typically code for either gaining or losing weight, depending on where it was beforehand. But that doesn’t mean we are better- there are plenty of reasons our weight may have changed without our patterns, and it’s not abnormal for someone’s ED to “adapt” to another (i.e., an anorectic adopting bulimic patterns because they feel it’s easier to hide). Even if we are in recovery, understand that it is a long, hard and complicated process- we still need support, patience and treatment every step of the way. For any mental illness, abandoning treatment because you underestimate the challenges of recovery can be dangerous or even deadly. Looks do not determine if someone is suffering- and they cannot determine if someone’s suffering is over.
Just Because We Look Like We’re Eating “Normally” Doesn’t Mean We Are
Okay, so you’re seeing us bring our lunch to school again, or we finally seem to be laying off the potato chips and French fries. Are we all better? Probably not. Maybe we’re taking the right steps to, and maybe we’re not. Maybe our eating disorder is still alive and well behind closed doors, maybe we’ve adapted to disordered patterns that are invisible or seem to be healthy or normal. Or maybe we are taking steps to recover- but that doesn’t mean everything will just go back to normal again. Sorry, but this problem is serious, and it isn’t going to go away all on its own.
This Has Affected Every Aspect Of Our Lives
This isn’t just about our weight. Having an ED has done even more damage to our already low self-esteem. It has affected our academic performance, our ability to do our jobs. It has damaged our relationships, made dating and sex nearly impossible. It has led to self-harm, depression, anxiety attacks and even paranoia. It has left our physical bodies damaged in more ways than we can explain. If we are female, we may never have children- or normal periods- again. We may have experienced headaches like never before, stomach ulcers, thin body hair growing in places it’s never been, we’ve experienced chills and aching muscles and hunger pangs and dehydration and just about every unpleasant digestive issue you can imagine. We feel more anxiety going out in public than ever, we have no energy, we think about food all the time. We’re even at risk for heart attacks, kidney failure and plethora of other fatal health conditions. This isn’t just about our weight. It never has been.
No, We Don’t Think You’re Fat
In my skinniest days, I got this from my friends all the time. If I thought I was fat at my weight, I must think they resemble beached whales. Not so fast. First of all, people with EDs have dysmorphia that affects their self-perception- we don’t see our own bodies accurately, but we can see others’ fine (or even see them in “better” light, because we’re constantly comparing). So, yeah, we can certainly see our own bodies as too fat and see yours for what it is: perfectly fine just how it is. We can even see other bodies that are “bigger” as beautiful, but feel that ours in particular won’t be acceptable until we’re just skin and bones. Sound twisted? It is. It’s almost like it’s a disordered mind state.
We Feel Like Failures
Please just understand this going forward. We feel like we’ve accomplished nothing. It doesn’t feel “worth it” when we watch every aspect of our lives crumble around us- our social lives, our grades, our health, our romantic relationships, our abandoned hobbies, our jobs. We have all-round low self-esteem and we feel like failures every time we see our GPA drop or have a bad day at work because we had no energy. We feel like failures when we binge, or end up giving in and eating a meal we said we would skip. We feel like failures when see the scale increase by half a pound, or cut our daily work-out short because we feel like we’re going to pass out.
If we’re in recovery, we feel like we’ve failed. Yes, we should be celebrating getting our lives and health back. But even for people like myself- who have technically been recovered for over a year, with minor slip-ups- we feel like we’ve failed. You see, EDs help us re-gain control. If we feel like we’re hopeless and worthless, our ED-minds can convince us that we can be worth something if we just do this. We feel like there’s something in our lives that we can control. We may feel comforted by overeating, or empowered by being able to go days without food, or like we’ve redeemed ourselves for some unknown transgression if we purge. It’s hard to break that mentality, and please understand that while recovery may seem like the easier or happier mind set, we still feel like we’ve completely turned our backs to something that at one point felt like it was all we had.
Relapses Happen
It will happen to everyone. It doesn’t matter if we have the resources to spend six months in a pricey, state-of-the-art rehab like all the movie stars, or we try and make it to our $50/hour social worker-led counselling appointments every second week. It doesn’t matter if at one point we were strapped to hospital beds, being force-fed through tubes, or managed to hide our tendencies and carry on with our daily lives for years. It doesn’t matter if it was “serious” by your standards or not. Everybody relapses. Pretty much every person who recovers will return- either for a short period of time or a long one- to disordered habits. It’s not abnormal for us to develop a completely new set of eating habits (I did), or recover, relapse, and repeat our ED days for months or even years. Just know that that saying, “I want to recover” doesn’t mean we will so easily. So don’t try and shame us for not “working hard enough”- we have valid, real MIs that keep us from waking up and just starting over. It’s not all in our power. Don’t assume we must be all better- keep watching us, supporting us, showing concern for us. If you think we may be relapsing, don’t assume it’s impossible based on how long we’ve been recovered or how well we seem to be doing. But don’t get discouraged either- if you are someone whose supporting a person with an ED, whether as a mentor, friend, relative or romantic partner, don’t feel that the situation is helpless. Relapses happen, but recovery is certainly possible- and many people who take the steps to get better will be able to return to a healthy, happy state, even the road there is long and bumpy.
Our Bodies Aren’t Yours To Discuss
We’re not here for you to gossip about. We’re not here for you to whisper to your friends about how we’re sluts now that we lost weight. Or about how we look too thin and “anorexic”. You don’t get to comment on our weight gain. You don’t get to tell your friends you hear we were shipped off to rehab or fat camp for the summer. You don’t get to talk about how we’re eating like pigs now, or how our boyfriend/girlfriend won’t stay with us if we keep ballooning like that. You aren’t helping by discussing how we’re throwing our lives away, or you didn’t know how we could be so selfish.
That is like, second grade level crap. You know that gossiping is hurtful, unhelpful and can ultimately lead to huge misunderstandings. So don’t do it. If you’re concerned about us, tell us upfront. Believe or not, EDs don’t get to be a form of entertainment for us- so they shouldn’t be that for you, either. Keep your opinions to yourself, and just remember that gossiping about your Anorectic-Next-Door classmate or old friend who came back from summer break overweight won’t just hurt them… it perpetuates false narratives and stereotypes about mental health that go a long way.
Understand The Early Signs
We had eating disorders even before it was evident. Before we were stick thin, or could go two days on just a can of broth and half an apple, or could make ourselves puke between classes, we looked and acted just like you, but we still had EDs. It does take time to learn how to hide and for lack of a better term, perfect disordered patterns, and even longer for these patterns to reflect in our appearances and daily life. So, it’s important you understand the early signs of an eating disorder- it could be your best friend, your child, your partner, you co-worker, or just that girl you say hi to in the halls sometimes who could be struggling. I firmly believe that all mental illnesses are easiest to treat when detected early, and this goes especially for EDs. Here are some signs to look out for- and discuss, if you feel it’s becoming a problem:
– Rapid weight loss or gain
– Not wanting to be present for meals anymore, making excuses to get out of eating
– Signs of binging (i.e., finding candy wrappers or large amounts of food in their room or bag)
– Going to the washroom immediately after meals (look out for playing music or turning on the shower/taps
– Less energy, complaining about headaches and dizziness, being unable to focus
– Becoming socially withdrawn
– Discussing dieting or exercise “tips” that seem unhealthy
– Investing more time than usual or needed for exercise (i.e., staying at the gym for hours)
– Negative body comments
– Constantly comparing body with others
– Wearing baggy clothes
– Signs of being cold in unusual circumstances- wearing scarves or sweaters in warm weather
– Talking about food excessively
– Drinking excessive amounts of water- taking huge gulps in between bites
– Evidence of spitting food into napkins rather than swallowing
– Having new found dietary restrictions or pickiness- always seems to avoid eating because of it
Please Don’t Make Us Feel Guilty
This will not help us. We already feel guilt. We feel guilt when we make a negative body comment and a friend is offended. We feel guilty if we have even one day of “normal eating”, because then we convince ourselves this whole eating disorder thing was a lie and we were just convincing ourselves, we never had a real ED after all. We feel guilty if we gain weight. We feel guilty when we see our grades drop. We feel guilty lying to the people we love. Please, don’t try to guilt us into eating a meal or seeing a therapist or anything else. The only thing that will create is a guilty ED-sufferer, not a recovered one. Try showing us support, and going out of your way to be educated, compassionate and understanding- that will help convince us we have a firm support system and recovery is worth trying more than anything else.
Don’t Compliment Our Eating Disorders
Do not tell us our weight loss flatters us. Don’t tell us you wish you had our will power. Don’t tell us you totally tried bulimia but just couldn’t do it. Just don’t. No matter what, this will sound weird and gross to us, but for some of us it can be a motivator which we absolutely do not need. Love yourself and respect us enough to understand that eating disorders are damaging, horrible conditions, and under no circumstances should they be complimented. It’s ridiculous I even have to say it, but we all know that one girl who seems to think having an eating disorder is an accomplishment.
This Is Hard For Us
It is. It is not easy to recover. Our mind will be telling us we’re fat, we’re failures, we’re worthless… we’ll be trying to pick up the pieces of our lives for months to come. We’ll have to swallow our pride and apologize to friends, we’ll have to kick butt to get our grades back up or kiss butt to get back that job we screwed up when we were at our worst. We may have even had to take a break from school or work to recover. It isn’t easy, and everyday we will feel the compulsion to do something unhealthy. We will feel lost without our coping mechanism, and our other mental illnesses may get worse. We may turn to other dangerous means of coping. It may take us months. We may be feeling the health effects even longer. It will be hard when we end up back at our starting weight, or realize it’s been three weeks since our last binge and purge. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
You Can Help
It might seem hard, it might seem like a hopeless situation, but no matter who you are, you can help. There’s nothing pleasant about strangers confronting you, but a friend or even an acquaintance? It can go a long way. I’ll never forget the first person who confronted me about my weight loss, or the times I’ve confronted others in a respectful, supportive manner. It didn’t “fix” me, but I (or they) knew there was someone I/they could lean on for support. That does help. You can help by educating yourself, and trying to change the way you’ve been approaching the subject, whether by dropping guilt tactics or using more respectful language. You can help by letting us know that you’re here, and that you’ll do what we need you to. You can help by being a friend.
