(I define some terminology that may not be familiar to you at the end of the article. I recommend you check it out first if you’re not familiar with this discourse).
Before I begin, I want to acknowledge that there is definitely a harmful stigma attached to being ace. Oftentimes, people perceive it as something that needs to be “fixed,” a biological malfunction rather than what it really is: a fluid sexuality relative to each asexual person. A lot of folks don’t realize that asexuality has a spectrum, like any sexuality does. These things are not black and white. Some asexuals desire sex more or less than other asexuals, simply saying “all asexuals have no sexual desire” is a careless generalization. Additionally, I want to point out that I realize asexuality is an outcasted sexuality, especially in a world that revolves around sex and lust (literally listen to any mainstream songs or watch any TV, I bet you’ll notice).
So while there is no denying that the asexual community has been pushed aside and become invisible in many discussions about sexuality, as a lesbian, I have grown to become uncomfortable with the presence of cishet asexuals in the LGBTQ+ community.
Hear me out, before you attack. Or, more precisely, hear out my friend Soren (@zhangstr on Twitter). They identify as part of the ace spectrum so I thought it would be good to hear from them first rather than me.
This is what they had to say: “The ace community tends to be very homophobic, and that’s why a lot of SGA and trans people don’t like them in the LGBTQ+ community. For example, the ace community refuses to stop using the word “allosexual.” The problem with that is that the term groups SGA people in with heterosexual people, their oppressors, and it reduces SGA relationships to merely sexual relationships, which many believe to be dehumanizing. I think the ace community is invisible and marginalized , but they don’t experience the oppression SGA and trans people do (i.e. get fired, murdered, harassed for being SGA and/or trans). The criteria for being LGBTQ+ is to experience same/similar gender attraction or be under the trans umbrella, and cishet aces/aros don’t fit either criteria. This doesn’t mean they’re not being stigmatized for being ace, but it means that they have far more privilege than SGA and trans people.”
They continue, “I think it’s a matter of technicality. I’m not comfortable with sharing the LGBTQ space with cishet aces personally because of the ace community’s microaggression towards SGA people, but I’m also part of the ace spectrum (I’m graysexual). So I am sympathetic to their struggles. I think the ace community would benefit greatly by being their own separate community, and if you’re ace and LGBTQ, then you get to reap benefits from both communities. This is an effective way cishet people won’t invade LGBTQ spaces but still get their own space as asexuals.”
Building onto what Soren was previously speaking about, I want to point out that creating an ace versus “allosexual” dichotomy is harmful because when someone doesn’t identify as part of the ace spectrum, you end up forcibly categorizing them as “allosexual” despite knowing nothing about how they experience sexual attraction and how much of it there is. And when “allosexuals” are grouped together, it accuses non-ace SGA people of having a nonexistent privilege—basically, we don’t benefit from desiring sex, SGA people get persecuted for it.
There is another important factor to consider: History. The LGBTQ+ community has been around for decades. Previous LGBTQ+ activists fought for rights to marry, fought against the brutal murders of SGA and trans people, and fought for the right to exist. Yes, these activists may have been asexual as well as SGA and/or trans but they weren’t fighting for their lack of sexual attraction to be noted, they fought for the right to merely exist as they are. Cishet asexuals simply don’t share this history, which is why the LGBTQ+ platform is wrong for them.
I want to note that I do not support pushing away the ace community and removing their safe spaces. However, the cishet asexual community is oftentimes homophobic and can shame SGA people for having sexual attraction. Some cishet aces wrongfully reclaim slurs such as “queer,” a slur which was never directed towards straight people in our history, and therefore harmful and offensive to those the q-slur was actually directed towards. Some even claim that similar to gayness, asexuality was once considered a mental illness too, but in actuality it never was. People relate asexuality to HSDD (hypoactive sexual desire disorder; a disorder where someone suddenly loses interest in sex and is distressed about it) but if a person is asexual, they wouldn’t fit the criteria for this mental disorder. When people correlate HSDD to asexuality, they are claiming a disprivilege that doesn’t exist.
Nonetheless, asexuality is still valid and deserving of a space space but the same goes for me and my love and sexual attraction towards women. Which is why I think the idea of creating a separate space for asexuality is brilliant, this way cishet asexuals do not end up invading conversations and platforms SGA and trans people are supposed to feel safe in.
The LGBTQ+ community and asexual community are valuable allies to one another but they shouldn’t be one in the same. Hopefully, the conversation continues to grow since it is important to meet the needs of both asexual people and SGA and/or trans people.
Asexual = someone who experiences no or a lack of sexual desire
Ace = a shortened term for asexual
Cishet = cisgender/heterosexual (being “cis” means you agree with the gender/identity you were assigned to at birth)
Allosexual = a term coined by asexuals to refer to those not asexual
SGA = same/similar gendered attraction
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