“Did you want to go to an all-women’s college?”
This question is already intrinsically flawed, for a variety of reasons. My college, as well as most of its kind, is not strictly meant for women and women alone. It’s for women, yes, of both cis and trans experience, for non-binary folks, and even for trans men in certain scenarios. It is an inclusive space, although the question doesn’t imply any of this. It’s a thinly veiled accusation, and one I don’t always know how to deal with. I just never assumed the idea of an “all-women’s college” would be so offensive to my family, friends, and acquaintances– and how I in return would be offended by how probing and pointedly disapproving their tones were.
Only too many people love to point out to me that they could “NEVER” attend an “all-women’s college”. They’ll complain that it’s too “catty”, that we’re all ” unrealistic for wanting to live somewhere without men”. The real world has men in it, even my mother pointed out to me after telling me for the hundredth time that she didn’t want me to attend a college “just for ladies”. What was the point of avoiding them now?
What these people assume, however foolishly, is that our decision has ANYTHING to do with (cis) men. They center the conversation on them, again and again, subtly bringing to light the exact reason the majority of us choose to attend an institution like this. We want MORE from ourselves, and from the world at large. We don’t all hate men (unless we really, really do). We aren’t all gay (unless we really, really are). We don’t all burn our bras (if we wear them) and yell at innocent civilians about women’s lib. We don’t. Really. The truth is, we love being who we are just fine. Our decision to attend an all women’s college, in all seriousness, often has very, very little to do with men– and more to do with us. In other words: it’s not you, it’s me.
The reasons we do attend “women’s” colleges vary. Sexism runs rampant in our communities in ways large and small, and it shows in everything from our paychecks to our politics. Feminism is finally getting the recognition and respect it deserves– but is not nearly as popular and widely accepted as one would think. When you consider these realities, the “mind-boggling conundrum” of why we’d want to attend a school like this becomes incredibly clear. Why wouldn’t we want to live somewhere that allows us to grow as students, as individuals, as those who strive to bridge this gap of inequality in a way that not only celebrates and upholds the many, many, many accomplishments women (and other gender identities!) have achieved, but encourages us to join those ranks? A place where watching as your well-rounded, enthusiastic, intelligent peers as they go on to succeed at all the things they were told they could never do is a regular, day-to-day event, and becoming one of them suddenly feels not just possible, but probable? It’s not to say that these same individuals couldn’t do the same somewhere else, or that there aren’t those just like them who do so in co-ed institutions. But there is something so very validating and powerful about celebrating struggle and strife, trials and tribulations, and success and triumph in a place that can offer some solace from the regular world. A place where we can explore our potential and capabilities in every way, without living under the shadow of patriarchy. A place where our needs, thoughts, beliefs, ideas, and so on are the number one priority, always.
So, when people choose the moment of learning of my college decision to upload all their sexist hypocrisies unto me, I grin and bear it. After all, Beyoncé said it best: Always stay gracious. Best revenge is your paper.
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