I was seven when I discovered my uncle was gay. While him and his boyfriend were initially introduced as “friends,” I grew to doubt this seeing as they shared a bed and gave each other gifts for anniversaries. I knew the dynamics of male friendships even as a child, and that wasn’t it. Eventually, my mother confirmed my suspicions for me, and I approached this new information with nonchalance. I was never exposed to gayness before, but I was very accepting as most kids are (any kid who expresses any sort of hatred was probably taught it).
However, in my youth, I could not comprehend the reservations the rest of my family had towards my uncle and his boyfriend. A common attitude towards gayness was the idea that it should be mitigated in some way. They were “friends” rather than boyfriends or “roommates” rather than a domesticated couple. As I reached my teenage years, I realized that any affection they normally would have shown each other was toned down in front of us.
There are a lot of misconceptions I noticed the my community has towards LGBT folks. Most of the misconceptions that I witnessed were usually directed towards my uncle. Many people are confused and do not understand sexualities that diverge from the heterosexual norm. There are people who wholeheartedly believe that being gay is a sickness or something that can be contracted. My uncle’s father refuses to sleep under his son’s roof or stick around for so long in fear that he would “turn.” Once, someone in my family claimed that my uncle wanted to be a girl, therefore it made sense that he dates men. Another member also iterated how sorry they were for my grandaunt, to have a gay son, an “abnormal” son, must have been so hard for her. Additionally, growing up in a Catholic household, I have watched as Asian members of the church teach classes about temptation. I was taught that “h*mosexual urges” were tests by the devil and in order to stay with God, it was critical to resist this temptation.
It is impossible not to internalize these messages as a kid. Consequently, I am hesitant about my own sexuality now as a young adult. My parents immigrated from Vietnam, a place that still widely expresses anti-gay sentiment, and came to America only to find anti-LGBT sentiment (there are statistics about the youth, specifically, in this source) is prevalent here as well.
It’s important to begin building a bridge between the gay community and parents’ of first generation LGBT Asian American children. The goal is to eventually eradicate the anti-LGBT sentiment in Asian American households, but there are concerns with the means to reach this goal.
With intercommunity discrimination, I have found that developing an educational, open discussion is a good start as well as normalizing LGBT folks in Asian American platforms.
I urge you to bring up LGBT issues during family conversation if you’re in a place safe to do so. Although I am not ready to come out to them, I often discuss certain LGBT topics with my parents and have found that slowly but surely, they have begun to be more open-minded and supportive towards the LGBT struggle.
Here is a helpful list that could create a casual discussion, especially if you do not want to out yourself (note that sometimes, people just aren’t going to change their minds. If you sense a conversation to be going awry, just back off. It sucks but I would rather you be safe than right):
- Talk about the latest LGBT issue or mainstream topics. Reference famous celebrities who are part of the LGBT community and ask for their opinion.
- Ask them what they think about same-sex marriage. Say “do you think it’s cool that people have the same rights now?” (I have found that bringing up topics such as inequality with my immigrant parents is something they can empathize with. If you shine a light on something inhumane, something restricting, chances are it’ll resonate with them).
- Mention someone you know who’s LGBT. I asked my mother if my grand aunt loved my gay uncle. She said yes. Then I asked her if she loves him so much, why is she so sad about him being happy with who he is and who he loves? She got really quiet and said she couldn’t give a valid reason.
- If you believe in a God and your family is religious, it’s good to say things like, “God doesn’t make mistakes when he creates us. I respect LGBT people because God created them in his image.” Use your faith to demonstrate how anti-LGBT discrimination is wrong.
Obviously, you can go on and continue in depth. Point out flaws slowly, educate them causally. But I also want to reiterate that it’s your choice on how you choose to approach this topic with your parents and family or whether or not you bring up this topic at all. I understand that it can be incredibly difficult, being LGBT and having to put up with someone who doesn’t agree. Thankfully, you don’t live with your parents forever.
But in situations where there’s a glimmer of hope, discourse doesn’t hurt. Merely presenting an issue is a great first step towards change and growth. If you have the opportunity and a safe platform to do so, there is no reason not to talk about it.
