Are you interested in looking edgy and cool by seeming more urban than your other friends? Do you want to fit in with that really cool looking group of kids?
Look no further, Chadworth. Follow these three steps and you just might fit in with the black kids.
1. Pretend that you know hip-hop.
Broadcast your music publicly. All. The. Time. You don’t want anybody mistaking you for those “bland” white people. When someone else plays rap music out loud, criticize every third rapper who comes on. You’ll look like you have a deep and nuanced understanding of the hip-hop world. However, NEVER criticize Kendrick Lamar. He is one of the strongest rappers out right now and you will be run out of the group and back to mundane suburbia.
2. Learn the language.
You have to start speaking Ebonics. Study how your local black people speak. Begin miming them. Now that you have the basic mannerisms, outdo them. Speak in modern slang, old-school slang, even make your own. People will admire your commitment to African American culture. It’s always useful to develop a slang-based catchphrase as a fallback. For example, should anything remotely good happen, shoot out “It’s lit!” at the top of your lungs.
3. Start a shoe collection.
Mock everyone else’s shoe game. If you see anyone with a nicer pair of shoes than you, scoff and say that they’re probably fake. Now laugh at them with your shoe-ly gifted friends. Remember to grossly overreact when someone steps on your shoe. Like, remember that time your mom cancelled your Xbox Live subscription, Chadworth? Just like that. Throw a temper tantrum the like of which mankind has never seen. Let ’em have it Chadworth.
Now I’ve given you the tools and advice necessary to venture to the black lunch table and sit with confidence. Go get ’em Chadworth.
*This was satire.
