I often think that being mentally ill is like having a job. The hours are unpredictable, some days are worse than others and after a while, it really starts to grate on you. However, unlike a job, there are no days off from your illness. You can’t take compassionate leave or go home for the holidays—depression doesn’t compensate for the idea of being ‘merry’.
So don’t push yourself too hard.
There are days when getting out of bed feels like turning the cogs in the doomsday machine, when I forget to do up the buttons on my coat because I’m so tired I forget that they are even attached to it. There are days when I push myself too hard and I don’t always learn. Although I’ve got older, I haven’t always had a firm grip on this ‘getting wiser’ thing and sometimes I overdo it. Sometimes I struggle to come to terms with my own mind and pay the price for that. What I’m trying to say is, no, you are not your illness, but it’s okay if life gets you down sometimes and you can’t function the way you are supposed to or are told you’re supposed to function.
Don’t get me wrong; I love Christmas as much as the next person, but it is just one day. A day conventionally filled with presents and family and laughter, but if you can’t bring the joy too then that is okay. When did society start dictating how we are supposed to be, how to feel—how to communicate to bodies, to cells in fact, that don’t understand social convention?
Most people don’t understand the crippling fear of handing someone presents that they may not like, the painstaking hours spent thinking about and browsing in shops before finally committing to buying something, only to return it four times and buy something else. They don’t understand how hard it is to be happy when every cell in your body is screaming ‘no’. And that’s okay too, but how do you deal with it?
Firstly, you don’t plaster on a fake smile. By forcing yourself to be happy, you are lying to yourself, you are trying to put a round peg in a square hole and it is exhausting.
Secondly, think about who you are trying to please, whom this falsified act is for. You shouldn’t have to hide parts of yourself to appease other people (to anyone who’s family and friends cannot see past their illness, I am so sincerely sorry) because acceptance is key to self-love.
Thirdly, look to the future. You must be your own top priority. Christmas can be a lovely time of year, but it’s just one day. Your life will be full on many days that are much brighter and fuller than right now—one day is not going to make or break you.
You deserve to be happy, truly happy. If a mental illness is currently impairing your ability to be so, then I am sorry. Never apologize for your illness or let it define your self-worth—you deserve so much more than fake people-pleasing happiness. But keep going. You will be okay; we will all be okay—even if we cannot be as jolly as Santa*.
*Spoiler Alert: If you have to be fictional to be the happiness person in the world, what does that say about society? Think about it.
