I’d hate to boost Kylie Jenner’s ego anymore (if that is even possible) but I believe that she’s been right about one thing, at least; 2016 really has been the year of realising things, for me anyway.
As has been the pattern since I reached fourteen, this year has been turbulent in many ways, but mostly in terms of my mental health. There have been dark, dark days, I won’t lie, but even in this cold, exhausting winter things are starting to take a turn for the better. I know this for a fact. I know this because there’s this quote that I always go back to, that runs through my head every day and it’s by Neil Hilborn.
“I think a lot about killing myself, not like a point on a map, but rather like a glowing exit sign at a show that’s never been quite bad enough to make me want to leave. See, when I’m up I don’t kill myself because ‘holy sh*t, there’s so much left to do!’ and when I’m down I don’t kill myself because then the sadness would be over and the sadness is my old paint under the new. The sadness is the house fire or the broken shoulder, I’d still be me without it, but I’d be so boring.”
I’ve never been suicidal or even close, but it still used to feel so easy to apply this to my life. Because anyone who has been truly sad knows how easy it would be to just stay sad, even if it hurts- and often it does. ‘Up’ days, for a large portion of the last few years hadn’t been too frequent, but this year I’ve been trying so hard.
So here’s a list of things that I’ve realised about my health and myself:
- Self-Love. I say this hesitantly because it’s something I am definitely still working on, but I’ve come to understand how important it is. I’ve heard it said 1000 times that ‘you have to love yourself first,’ but I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with getting a little help from your friends (or family) sometimes.
- Emptiness. I believe firmly in backing your own opinion, in not standing down in the fight for the things that you love. There are times when this has left me all alone, feeling stranded for sure but I’ve been okay and I’ll continue to be okay. I’ve learnt to ask for help and reassurance when I need it to. Maybe people can be different, but as far as I go, there are parts of me that will always require other people and their parts to fill my parts in. I’ve learnt that we need to be a little bit empty to grow, to have room to stretch. I’ve learnt to not be scared of the emptiness.
- Reliance. Relying fully on other people is not the answer; they are not the end of the road or the complete picture. I’ve learnt that people can disappoint us sometimes. A lot of my guilt and emptiness –most of the sadness in fact- had stemmed from letting people down or having them let me down. The recognition that I wanted and so desperately craved was not something they could give me. I had to find it for myself. I’ve learnt that being good enough for myself and learning to depend on myself was the greatest done for myself. Allow other people to supplement your life and happiness but do not allow them to be the foundations on which you try to build a stable life. You will fall.
- Asking for help. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt this year is about asking for help and speaking up. We do nothing for others or ourselves by suffering in silence. How many more teenagers, or people for that matter, how many more human beings have to commit suicide before we hold silence accountable for all times it’s killed? Talking about it made all the different for me because I realised something; everyone has crap. It may come in different disguises and magnitudes but it’s there and is an active part of everybody’s lives. We shouldn’t dwell too much on our issues, but if we must, what good is doing it alone?
- Balance. The only thing I truly love doing is writing. And it’s been hard to admit but when I fall into a deep depressive slump, I write better. I know this is true because the things I write when I’m sad makes people pay attention. When I’m sad, they sit up and listen, but at what cost? I’m sick of tearing myself apart to entertain but I know that I need success to be happy. Finding balance is tough, but self-hatred and crippling depression are far bigger demons to wrestle.
I’ve been saying for weeks that I’m glad to see the back of 2016 because of all the loss and the hurt it has caused. But it has been a great learning curve and I’m sure one day I’ll be grateful to have live through it. So here’s to 2017 and a multitude of ‘up’ days. Have a wonderful new year and try to take care of yourself.
