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What Guys Really Think of How You Breathe

Okay ladies and gentlemen, you’ve met that one special guy. You’re back at his/your place about to go to sleep for the night. But right as you’re falling asleep he notices how you breathe. Like, how you REALLY breathe. The breathing you do when you’re not out in public trying to be polite. Make no mistake girls, breathing can be one of the biggest turn offs for a guy. So, that being said, what does your breathing say about you?

  1. In through your nose, out through your mouth. You’re an optimizer. You need to find the best, most efficient way to get from point A to point B. You find importance in the details. But know that nit-pickers are never attractive to a guy.
  2. In through your mouth, out through your mouth. Ew. Mouth breathers. I don’t care how fresh you think you’re breath is. Don’t come near me exhaling through your mouth. Just don’t.
  3. In through your nose, out through your nose. You’re a traditionalist. You tend to stick with what been proven. Some might find this boring though. Routines lead to ruts, after all. Don’t expect him to stay interested for long with breathing like that.
  4. Dissolved oxygen filtration in water. No thanks. Major turn-off. Your skin’s probably scaly even though you moisturize constantly. You probably smell like fish. And let’s not forget how your boyfriend will always have to carry around a tank of water to help you breathe. Major turnoff.
  5. In through your blowhole, out through your blowhole. You’re fun, intelligent, spontaneous, and radiate positivity. It’d be hard to find  a person who doesn’t like you. If he hasn’t found out already, you’re probably pretty excitable in bed.  Being a dolphin might be a dealbreaker, but you made it this far, didn’t you?
  6. Integumentary exchange. You tend to be a bit of a homebody. The fact that you don’t “breathe,” per se, means that you can’t snore at night. Major upside. But it can be a little odd for him to see you pouring water on yourself every half hour or so to stay moist.
  7. Tracheal exchange system. He probably thinks that you are small and annoying. You’re like an insect with your persistence. But you’re used to the insults. That would probably explain your thick and rigid outer shell. What I can’t explain, though, are the 2 extra pairs of legs you likely have.

*This is satire because really no one really cares what men think

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