Borderline Personality Disorder or Emotional Dysregulation Disorder is a mental disorder seen in 1.6% of the population. To be “borderline” means to be “on the border of” neurosis and psychosis. Borderline can be comorbid with other disorders such as eating disorders, mood disorders and as well as other personality disorders. Some causes of developing this personality disorder are genetics, neurotransmitters, neurobiology and environmental factors such as trauma whether emotional, physical or sexual. Some of my symptoms include:
Mood swings. Whether out of the blue or due to a small interaction where I may have perceived something that was not intended. My mood swings can last anywhere from a few minutes, to a few hours. I can go from happy to actively suicidal without warning and no way of controlling it. Despite being self-aware and knowing that another mood swing will hit, when I am low and actively suicidal all I can remember is being sad. My mood can also go from suicidal to happy suddenly which also leaves me with persistent feelings that I am just faking it and that maybe I should not take myself seriously. Little things such as feeling ignored, unwanted or unloved can bring me from a high mood to a low mood in seconds.
Emotional Object Permanence issues. Unless I am currently feeling the emotion, the emotion tends to not exist. When I am happy, I’ve never known what it is like to be sad and when I am sad, I have never known what it is like to be happy. This also causes a problem with my interpersonal relationships where I randomly feel like the people around me hate me or that they don’t love me anymore. I am constantly asking for reassurance and validation from my loved ones and fear that I am coming off as annoying.
Black and White or Splitting. There is no gray when it comes to the way I think. I switch between idealizing and devaluing people, meaning they are either all good or all bad. If they are not with me, then they are against me. It is very easy for me to get angry and begin to hate a person, even if they did nothing wrong. While splitting I tend to lash out and say harmful things due to the way I am feeling in the moment. Splitting can be temporary and I tend to ignore people when I split on them so that I don’t say anything harmful, Other than that, when I am idealizing people, I hold them on a pedestal where they can do nothing wrong and anytime they mess up that perception I have of them, I devalue them.
Impulsivity and reckless behaviors. Whether it’s me wanting to cut my hair off, lash out or self-harming behaviors. Some include binge drinking, eating too much or too little, self-mutilation through burning, picking at the skin or cutting. Other times it is swallowing pills because I got into what can be seen as a tiny argument. When I am impulsive, I feel as though I am a backseat driver in my own body. I can’t control my actions so I constantly feel out of control.
Explosive and inappropriate emotions. When I am angry I tend to break things, hit them and scream. It is very easy for me to burst into tears, no matter where the location is. The meltdowns I have are scary. I feel as though I just exploded.
Suicidal ideation. A constant, “Well if I kill myself, I won’t have to do X or Y.” Even when I am happy, suicidal ideation tends to creep up on me to the point where I am daydreaming about hurting myself. I tend to not have futuristic goals because all I can see is me not being present for long.
“Attention seeking.” Which is not necessarily a bad thing. Due to the neglect in my childhood, I’m often searching for attention elsewhere. Whether it is good attention or bad attention, attention is attention for me. Attention seeking can get bad in certain aspects such as wishing bad things upon yourself, harming yourself etc. for attention.
Intrusive thoughts. Persistent and unwanted thoughts about harming myself and occasionally harming others or violent, horrific images in my head. These intrusive thoughts sometimes scare me to the point where I have anxiety attacks where I’m hyperventilating, crying and rocking back and forth. Sometimes, intrusive thoughts about trauma replay in my head. Little things can trigger me and it becomes all I think about.
Distorted self-image. Fluctuating feelings of grandiosity or low self-esteem are very common. Either I am the prettiest to ever exist or I am the ugliest. I am too good or I am not good enough. With my interests, I tend to fixate on them for a short while before I disregard it and move onto the next interest. Who I want to be changes very rapidly and without warning. I tend to get confused and not know what to say when I am asked to describe myself. The few things I know for certain about myself is that I have a personality disorder.
Dissociative feelings. I often feel as though I am outside of my body or I am not real. At times, my hands are not my hands and sometimes I forget I exist and that I am a person. Dissociation is more than just spacing out (side eyeing the mainstream memes).
Fixation. I tend to fixate on my interests to the point where I may split on someone who likes the same things as I do. I also tend to fixate on people, whether they are close friends or not which tends to be harmful.
Unstable relationships. My intense emotional reactions tend to cause a shakiness in my relationships. I can say harmful, mean things that I do not mean. I tend to be very argumentative or aggressive even when I don’t mean to. I stay in unhealthy, abusive relationships because I feel as though I deserve it. Even in healthy relationships, when it is good, it is good. When it is bad, it is really bad. It is hard to keep up with me because I project my feelings onto others and have a hard time stopping myself.
Fluctuating feelings of empathy and apathy. When I should feel bad, I don’t and vice versa. I can be either really understanding of their feelings and care yet other times I just can’t bring myself to. At times, I become so invested in the emotions of others that I feel it and I cry. Other times, I can’t bring myself to care and it’s draining.
With this disorder, there is no in between. My mood depends on people and every day is hectic. Having a good support system with people who are willing to learn about your disorders, no matter what they are is extremely important. Every day is hard, but if I did not have the people around me it would be much more difficult. Being self-aware, does not do much. When people say “well just stop doing that” or “it’s no big deal stop overreacting” they do not realize that it is both difficult and not possible. Common misconceptions is that everyone with this disorder is inherently abusive, but what is needed to be kept in mind is that two people with the same disorder can be very different.
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