[dropcap]A[/dropcap]t nine years old, I was diagnosed with Major Depression and an Anxiety Disorder. I had no idea what that meant, but it was nice to know that there was something wrong. Mixed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, the two conditions were making my life increasingly difficult. I threw fits over the simplest of tasks, I was causing both of my parents an inordinate amount of stress and at a certain point, something had to be done.
My mom took me to a psychiatrist, who prescribed me an anti-depressant.
My dad thought she was losing her mind; who would give Zoloft to a kid?
What kind of mother pours “mystery medicine” into her kid’s orange juice?
A good one.
Ina Garten, otherwise known as Barefoot Contessa, is infamous for her cookbooks and elaborate recipes; but her favorite saying “If you can’t make your own, store bought is fine!” is the phrase we all recognize our favorite Food Network star by. She says this often when referring to products needed to complete a recipe, such as lemon curd, buttermilk, lime juice, you know, things that make food delicious. But, you know, the phrase can apply to anti-depressants too.
Anti-depressants are selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, or SSRIs. They work to help serotonin function better. Serotonin is an essential “happiness gene” that does not function well in depressed people. SSRIs make it possible for many of us to go about our days.
As a freshman in high school, I planned my day out the second I woke up. My routine was so specific that I even planned when I could go to the bathroom. I had the routes to all my classes figured out so that I would never be late. I had a few friends, but I didn’t trust any of them. I was so stiff and scared all of the time, so much so that the slightest change to my daily routine resulted in a hefty panic attack or complete dissociation. I wondered how people could be so care free. I had no idea how anybody could do anything spontaneous, how did they enjoy the simple things? My parents had taken me off of the anti-depressants when I turned twelve. I had not known peace for three years. My neurotransmitters could not function properly with the lack of serotonin.
I went through a big shift that year. My parents moved us to a different town, and I could not handle it. With the hurdle of packing up all of my things and moving to a new school in my future; I isolated myself. I lost my friends. And to this day, I cannot go back to my hometown, as it is a major trigger.
It got to the point where my mom decided it was cruel to keep me off medicine any longer. I started back on an anti-depressant in January 2016.
I do things now that would have wrecked me when I was in my previous state. I drive a car, I talk to new people every day, I hold a leadership position, I work an internship after school, and I am the happiest I have ever been. I understand how people can be carefree now.
And I want that for you, whatever your name is.
My happiness does not come from an orange RX bottle. My happiness comes from myself. The orange RX bottle is my happiness’ breakfast.
I want you to know that taking an anti-depressant is not giving up the fight. Taking an anti-depressant does not make you dependent on medication. Taking an anti-depressant will not make you a zombie. Taking an anti-depressant does not mean that you are weak.
Admitting that you need help is the hardest part. Realizing that you may need help is a good sign.
And I implore you to reach out to these organizations when you do:
Needy Meds is an organization that helps users with the cost of their medications. This organization is a not for profit and information about their services is available anonymously.
The Medicine Program makes money by running Google Ads on their website. They provide users with resources to apply for the right Patient Assistant Program.
NDMDA Depression Hotline: 800-826-3632
Covenant House Suicide and Depression Hotline: 800-999-9999
