It’s been 6 weeks since America was taken over by manipulating, over-confident, argumentative, orange, aliens from a neighboring dimension stuck 100 years in the past. Many believe that it’s only a matter of time before the entire planet gets taken over. While there is no way to be sure what will happen next, all the American people can do is prepare for the apocalypse. Here’s a list of a few things to keep handy… just in case.
1. A phone, TV, or radio. In times like these it’s important to stay informed about what’s happening around our country. Read, watch or listen to as many news articles and reports that you can, you don’t want to be the last one to find out about something. Oh, and be sure to get a Twitter, it’s how the aliens are informing the public these days.
2. Ladies, stock up on feminine hygiene products. The aliens seem to be able to control the female body, telling us when we can and can’t have children, sooner or later they’ll be telling us whether we can or can’t have periods. It’s better to be safe than sorry if their powers end up failing.
3. A shovel. In the chance that a large, immovable object gets placed above ground to divide us, just use your shovel to help dig a tunnel. This tunnel can be used for family, friends, or really anyone because you’re a decent person and it’d be a decent thing to do.
4. Loudspeakers, posters, markers and some throat lozenges. There have been, and will be many more, marches and protests against these aliens. Although you can make posters with witty sayings, it’s not a must. But it is important to bring some cough drops to keep your throat moist, you’ll need your voice to be heard.
5. An intergalactic passport. Or a normal one, either will suffice. In the off chance the aliens start to spread and take away basic human rights, it’s important to have a working passport on hand for a quick getaway. I’ve heard Iceland is lovely this time of year.
6. Coats, gloves, scarves, boots, basically anything that will keep you warm. With the cold draft of Russian weather coming in, it’s no doubt flu season is close behind. But since the aliens have taken over all the hospitals and informed the doctors not to help you if you can’t afford to be healthy, it’s important you don’t get sick. What if you break your arm? There’s some spare wood out in the shed, I’m sure you can fasten yourself a splint. Bundle up and stay safe, because if you get hurt you won’t be eating for a month to pay for the hospital bill.
7. A night light. The alien infiltration probably has taken a toll on you emotionally and physically, so it’s not uncommon to lose sleep over it. If you start having nightmares and are afraid to go to sleep at night in fear you’ll wake up in a different America, invest in a nightlight to keep the boogeyman at bay.
***This article is completely satire and hopefully there are only good things to come.
