Demisexuality is a part of the asexual spectrum, and is a sexual orientation. White it is in the asexual spectrum it is different because, asexual is typically categorized as “without sexual feelings or associations”, demisexual is “a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone“.
Obviously, everyone’s experience is different, however, the majority of people agree on some key factors about the demisexual experience. Being emotional intimate is the key factor, and this could be, but is not limited to, close friends, or romantic partners. Romantic and sexual partners are not the same. You can be romantically involved with someone with no sexual attraction, just as you can be sexually attracted to someone with no romantic attraction. You do not need both, and everyone’s relationships work differently.
Emotional security is needed, and dating strangers can be very hard for people that only form attraction off of already made emotional bonds. Lots of demisexual people hold first dates to a much higher standard than non demisexual people, because they’re trying to decide if down the line they could have sexual feelings for the person, and they feel like they might be “wasting the person’s time” if it doesn’t happen. As a person who has dated people on the asexual spectrum before, myself, it doesn’t bother me if sexual attraction doesn’t happen, and only romantic attraction does, but that’s my own experience.
Some demisexual people have also said that learning more about a person’s personality increases their level of attractiveness, or simply learning more about them. For some people, they need to know their potential partner for years, before they feel any kind of sexual feelings, for other people, it doesn’t take that length of time. Sometimes “intense” events, like going exciting places, can help build a strong emotional connection. But again, it’s all circumstantial.
There is also a difference between thinking someone could be sexually attractive, and wanting to participate in sexual acts with that person. You can find someone attractive, and not have an sexual feelings for them.
Because demisexual people are a broad group of unique people, there is no way to characterize their experience, obviously. Some demisexual people enjoy sex, they just don’t experience sexual feelings often. According to the 2014 AVEN Census, two thirds of demisexuals are repulsed or uninterested in sex. Some members of their community watch porn, some of them do not. Just like any other community, there are many different experiences.
Demisexual people are not attracted to anyone that they have an emotional bond with however, and of course, some demisexual people are attracted to more people than others, because everyone has a different experience. The only thing that is the same, is that there needs to be a solid emotional connection before attraction can occur.
A solid emotional connection, a long term friendship, etc. is what is needed for a demisexual person to possibly have sexual feelings. Some demisexual people might have more feelings than others. It’s a spectrum, just like all sexuality.
Demisexual’s deserve their own label and community because not only does it give people a sense of place, people have are more confident in themselves, and it leads to better quality of life. While demisexual people are included in the asexual spectrum, it’s important to not erase them, and give them their own space to talk about their own experiences. If you think that you could be demisexual, or simply want to learn more about being demisexual, go to http://demisexuality.org/, for more information.
