The first and most common thing I always seem to hear from my friends in what they look for in a romantic partner is: shared values. And while this is pretty broad, it all seems to boil down to the main categories. Usually it’s ideal for both partners to be similar in political, religious, and financial beliefs. But something specific I’ve heard come up again and again, is that the partner have good family values.
Now, this seems pretty harmless, and is a pretty usual thing for most people to say. Having “good family values” often entails that the person will be a good person to eventually start a family with one day. And if not to create a family, it seems that people who have “good family values” are respectful, humble, kind, and basically have better qualities than those who aren’t.
Well then, let’s define family values. When people say this is something they look for, they often mean that the person is nice and caring to their parents, and/or siblings.
The problem is, it’s simply not realistic.
In a perfect world, everyone would have “good family values” and everybody would be then considered respectful and admirable. But, to have good family values, you must have the “good” family to begin with. And that’s where the problem lies.
Most would assume someone who does not have a healthy or positive relationship with their parents, doesn’t necessarily coexist or harmoniously get along with them. But why do we then put the blame on the individual?
It is unfair for us to claim that people are only deemed respectful and deserving if they have good relationships with their parents; this is essentially what is being said when people bring up family values in what they look for in a partner.
Even non romantically, people are always quick to judge about someone’s character when they witness them interacting with their parents in a way that they’re not used to. Just because you are fortunate enough to have a positive relationship with your parents, doesn’t mean you have the right to assume that someone is a bad person or has a lesser character than you just because they have the same parental interactions as you might have.
It is important to realize one’s privilege when it comes to home life situations and realize that people’s actions are only a reaction of their environment. People treat people how they are treated, and so obviously someone in an abusive home environment cannot be expected to say “I love you” to their parents at the end of a call, perhaps like many of us are used to.
So, instead of being quick to judge and label people as distant or ungrateful of their parents, first take a step back and realize that not everybody has that privilege of a positive and encouraging home environment. And also realize that victims of these situations are just as equally capable, and often are, to have great character and be just as loving or worthy of “good family values” as everyone else.
