Donald Trump is undoubtedly many things: a bigot, easily offended, a curious shade of orange, but he is perhaps most notably one thing: obsessed with Twitter. He speaks, and word goes out to 40.2 million people –excluding the followers I have a strong suspicion that he bought to seem more famous. But it’s common knowledge now that when Donald Trump says things, it’s most likely in a low-self esteem induced cry-scream session. You know, the type every 71-year-old President has.
So I translated some of his tweets so you don’t have to.
What He Says:
Everyone knows I am right that Robert Pattinson should dump Kristen Stewart. In a couple of years, he will thank me. Be smart, Robert.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 22, 2012
What He Means:
“I realize it’s embarrassing to me that I, a grown man, am invested in a teeny-bopper Hollywood relationship. I know! I’ll look WAY more mature if I give the guy relationship advice. Me: Mr. Two Failed, One Barely Working Marriage. I’m so smart.”
What He Says:
Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest -and you all know it! Please don't feel so stupid or insecure,it's not your fault
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 9, 2013
What He Means:
“I think the media is starting to catch on to how insecure I am. NO ONE CAN KNOW!!!”
What He Says:
Happy #CincoDeMayo! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics! https://t.co/ufoTeQd8yA pic.twitter.com/k01Mc6CuDI
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 5, 2016
What He Means:
“Please enjoy my “gentrification bowl” with a side of “cheap apology for my clearly racist ideology”! My stupid PR agent is making me do this.”
What He Says:
As everybody knows, but the haters & losers refuse to acknowledge, I do not wear a “wig.” My hair may not be perfect but it’s mine.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 24, 2013
What He Means:
“It’s so mean! Why would they say that! The guy who sold it to me said that no one would be able to tell the difference!”
What He Says:
Who can figure out the true meaning of "covfefe" ??? Enjoy!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 31, 2017
What He Means:
“If I admit it was a typo, they’re gonna think I’m an idiot! So, if I make it seem like it was intentional, no one will ever know! I’m so smart. I think I deserve a cookie.”
America, I think you’ll agree with me when I say that it’s just so comforting to know that Donald Trump, the man that was head-over-heels invested in Twilight drama, also has access to the nuclear codes.
He’ll sub-tweet Kim Jong Un and Colin Kaepernick to his heart’s content, and possibly cause the federal government to collapse the same day. And if he does, expect a tweet blaming the “haters & losers” shortly after.
Featured Image: Akhia.com
