Depression.
To many, depression is just a simple word, something they use in their every day conversations to describe fleeting emotions and casual feelings.
Others imagine depression as the girl lying in bed for days upon days, reblogging countless black & white gifs on tumblr while missing days of school and work, too wrapped up in her disorder to even walk the 10 feet to a sink or shower, too consumed in her doom to even grab something to eat.
But to me, depression is my everyday life.
I was merely 13 years old when I figured out I was depressed. My attempt to tell my parents was a complete fail that probably left me worse off. My mother was afraid that me being anything less than perfect would reflect badly on her as a parent, and so she told me that I was just confused, that puberty was hitting and my raging teenage hormones were causing me to overreact. After all, how could I be depressed? I was a top student, I was in so many clubs, I was playing soccer and basketball (not very well, might I add, but I was playing nevertheless), I was in a triple threat dancing, singing and acting program. So how could I be depressed?
So I began to think my mother was right. I mean, symptoms of depression all insinuate that you do nothing, that you’re a stagnant character in a world of doom, that all you’re capable of doing is moping and think about how depressed you are.
I began to doubt myself, and became disappointed in myself for wanting attention so badly that I would lie about being depressed. There were people out there with real depression, people out there that needed real help, meanwhile I was labeling myself when I didn’t need help at all. I began to feel all the emotions that led me to think I was depressed in the first place, but this time even worse. I was worthless, I was stupid, I didn’t deserve to live, I wanted to die.
I continued on for 3 years of my life struggling with whether or not I was depressed. Although I began self harming, had constant thoughts of suicide and even wrote a suicide note and a makeshift will, I still struggled with whether or not I was truly depressed. I was a straight A student in honors and AP classes, but spent my I spent gym period in the corner of the gym crying for no reason. I slowly but surely dropped out of all the activities I was doing, but still managed to do well in whatever I did do.
It wasn’t until my first ever high school psychology class, when we learned about depression that I completely came to terms with the fact that I myself was struggling with it. My teacher taught us that though there are universal symptoms of depression, not everybody manifests their symptoms in the same way. That was my ah-ha moment. I went home, did some research, and stumbled upon high functioning depression.
High-functioning depression, as I see it, is depression that manifests itself in your mentality while you’re still able to succeed, or even overachieve in every day life. It isn’t a definite psychological term, but many psychologists say that it’s this kind of depression that worries them the most, for reasons exactly like the situation I found myself in. High functioning depressed people may not even realized they’re depressed, or they may feel a sense of cognitive dissonance which in turn worsens the feelings of depression, making them less likely to seek the help they need.
High functioning people suffering from depression also carry the burden of feeling like they have no one to turn to. Personally, I know that I often I struggle with feeling like people think that I’m perfect, people thinking I’m the funny friend, that I can’t possibly dealing with anything serious, so much so that when I say what’s on my mind it gets disregarded because people think I’m over exaggerating. The times when I spill my heart out to my friends and get radio silence in return, are the times when I feel the most alone.
The media’s depiction of depression certainly doesn’t help those of us with high functioning depression. In movies and television depression is always made to seem dramatic, always showing the person crying for days upon days, never even opening the blinds to their house. They never make movies about the depressed CEO. The doctor, the lawyer, the straight A student, the athlete, the celebrity. This is extremely problematic for multiple reasons. For one, people with depression, or mental disorders in general, are not any less than you, are not any less likely to achieve than you, and you are not better than them. Also, the media’s depiction of all depressed people as being low functioning leads to us ruling out any successful person as being depressed, which is why so many people are left shocked when these high functioning people go to the extreme of suicide.
Although this article was meant to shed light on high function depression and it’s problems, this article is not meant to invalidate people who’s depression manifests itself in other ways. If your depression doesn’t allow for you to get out of bed, makes your grades start slipping, and decreases your productivity, your depression is still legit. This article is just meant to call attention to a form of depression that’s often overlooked and the harms of overlooking it.
So yes, I can get out of bed in the morning, go to work, go to school, do all my assignments days before they’re due, overachieve, and still feel the same feelings of worthlessness at the end of the day. I can laugh with my friends and crack jokes all day long and still think I don’t deserve to be here. I am depressed, but I am not the girl who’s always absent from class. I am the girl sitting next to you every single day, taking copious notes, who always has her work done.
I am the person who you would be shocked wrote this article.
My depression doesn’t look how you want it to look. I do not act how you want me to act.
My depression doesn’t look like the movies, but it’s still valid.
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