When you learn about abuse, you learn to look for the signs: bruises, cuts, broken bones but the signs of emotionally abusive relationships can be a lot trickier. A lot of the time, it’s hard to identify these signs because they are ingrained into our mainstream media as “acts of passion” and intense love.
When I was a freshman in college, I had my first serious boyfriend, we’ll call him Tim. Tim and I met during the first week of classes and we almost immediately became friends. He asked me out a few weeks later with really bad timing, which looking back at could have been a ploy to get me at my most vulnerable. We dated for 5 months and broke up twice. Both times in which he sat me down and explained to me why I was an awful, unstable person and how it was all a burden to him.
It took me several months to fully understand the extent of the emotional abuse and to regain the self esteem I had lost during the relationship.
Emotional abuse may have different signs than physical abuse but they definitely exist . These are some signs that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and how I learned to identify each one.
Codependency
Codependency is a huge red flag that I never thought was a red flag in the first place. This idea that you’re supposed to be so in love with someone that your life could not possibly go on without them is often romanticized in literature and media but this should not be the case. There is nothing wrong with enjoying someone’s company and wanting to spend time with them. However, when it becomes that almost every aspect of your life revolves around that person it gives them a huge leverage and gives way to emotional manipulation. This is especially true when the person is your only sense of support or stability in your life. It’s important to understand that relationships are supposed to add to your life, they are never supposed to be your entire life.
This one took me a while to figure out, which was unfortunate because it was where a lot of the other variable in the abuse stemmed from. We spent every waking moment together which at first I found it annoying and clingy but after a while, it felt like someone was taking care of me. This was something he would always throw in my face whenever he decided I was too “fucked up” for him, but it just ended in me feeling more emotionally vulnerable.
They want to control every aspect of your life
Relationships should be based on trust and a sense of mutual respect for each other. If your partner trusts you, there is no reason for them to feel the need to control who you talk to, who you hang out with, ect. You should never have to give up who you are or what you enjoy doing in order to be with someone else.
This is the one sign that is often romanticized in mainstream media and literature. For example in Twilight, Edward slashes Bella’s tires so that she can’t go see Jacob. This act is often interpreted as an act of passion, a romantic gesture when it is nothing more than a form of emotional abuse. In my experience, this manipulation can manifest itself in many forms. One of the most common things abusers do to attempt and control their victims is controlling what they say on social media, who they talk to on the phone and over text. You do not and should not lose all right to privacy when you enter into a relationship. I never realized how damaging it could be to feel like there was constantly someone watching me. Tim would take my phone from my hands, go through my twitter account and inspect it in close detail almost like he was looking for something to condemn me for. This behavior left me in a state of extreme, constant anxiety, in which I was afraid to do anything to upset him or make him fall out of love with me.
They make you feel bad because of your appearance, mental illness, gender etc…
Like I mentioned previously, respect should be an important part in any relationship whether it be romantic or not. There is a lot of idealization around the idea that we have to change when we enter a relationship in order to become what our partner wants. A huge example of this is Grease, at the end of the movie, Sandy becomes the edgy, greaser chic in order to get Danny to fall for her all over again. This was extremely problematic especially considering the fact that Sandy’s character was first presented as modestly dressed and soft spoken, meaning she had to completely change her appearance AND personality to get this guy to find her attractive. That is not okay.
When I first started dating Tim, I was completely honest with him about my mental illness and he was very supportive at first. Over time he became very insensitive and would constantly throw in my face that he was some sort of hero because he was willing to “deal” with my illness. A lot of the anxiety and the depression I was battling at the time was rotted in certain events that had happened right before we began dating (the before mentioned poor timing) and from the sense of constant control he had over me. It took me a while to realize that this was the case, and when I did I felt that unwavering black cloud get lighter and lighter until it was nearly completely gone.
Relationships are supposed to brighten your life not dim it, if you ever feel like your partner is being emotionally abusive do not hesitate to reach out to friends or family for help. You deserve to feel safe and loved. Never sell yourself short.
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