This year has been the worst year I’ve experienced so far in my life. It’s been filled with so many negatives and hardships. It’s been a learning curve, a test of my strength, and a wake up call. Before 2016, I had never lost a family member, never seen the true effects of cancer, and never experienced the pure anxiety and anger that accompanies loss.
I’ve learned 3 major things in the last 12 months:
1. Cancer is so much worse than you know. Like really, I don’t think anyone truly knows until they see loved ones fight it and sometimes lose the battle. It’s not like in the movies. It’s not a person bravely fighting until their last breath or a beautiful realization of life itself. It’s not laced in artistic cinematography or dramatic music. It’s exhausting. It’s driving to a hospice home and sitting by the bedside of someone who isn’t even them anymore. It’s day after day, until the inevitable happens and you’re left with the realization that it’s real and it just happened. You can’t understand it until you see it first hand, until you witness a loved one’s body slipping away from who they really are.
2. I’m stronger than I think. I never needed to be strong. I never needed to fight for independence and earn it. I never needed to take things day by day and just get through. And I never thought that I could if I needed to, and I did. I’m good now, I’m independent, I’m ready to start my life and leave the past behind me. Six months ago, I never thought I’d say that.
3. Finding who you are and want to be through finding independence is the most rewarding feeling ever. Like I said, I never needed to be independent, but in the wake of college and beginning my life, a slap in the face from reality was huge for me. Though they weren’t ideal ways to grow in my independence, the hardships that this year has brought has truly shaped who I am and want to be. These hardships have caused me to become self aware and ambitious.
Aside from these 3 things, I’ve experienced a side of myself that I’ve never seen, and a side of my family that I never imagined. I’ve learned important lessons and grown in my capabilities as a human. I’ve also learned where my true passions lie and how I want to shape those passions into a career someday.
Next year I hope to be at a good school, and I will definitely be far away from my home in Indiana. No matter what, I’m leaving the Midwest and starting over completely, and that thought makes me so happy. However, I don’t think that it would be happening had I not suffered loss and hardships this year. I would still be aiming for a mediocre future with undefined goals. I would still be following what others did and worrying about not being good enough. I am good enough. I’m on my own, I’m driven, and most of all I’m happy.
I’m proud of where I’m at, and I’m proud that I can be content with the fact that I’m on my own. The fact that I’m single isn’t scary for me. During this year, I’ve been at a point where I’m not looking for someone to fulfill me because this year has shown me that I am enough for myself.
I am whole on my own. I don’t need another half.
I’m proud that I’m not scared to leave Indiana and start university with no one that I know. I’m even prouder that this fact excites me.
2016 has been hell not only for the world and our country, but also for me as an individual. But I can’t think of where I’d be had it not been so miserable and horrifying. It actually makes me sad to think about it. I needed this wake up call. I needed this jolt of reality and this empowerment it has given me. It’s been a year of hell. It’s been a year of struggles. But it’s also been a year of triumphs. I know that it’s stupid to hope that the changing of a calendar will make things different, but that’s all I can hope for. I’ve learned my lessons for now, and though I’m sure 2017 will have hardships as well, I can only hope it’ll go a little easier on me than this year did. Smell ya later 2016, and hello to the new year.
