I remember a few years ago when I used to watch people on TV hosting shows or giving lectures, or in general speaking in public, and how much I liked them not for what they were saying but for the way they talked, they moved, the way the people liked them and cheered for them when they finish, I was too young to understand what they were saying but I knew it was something that may help some people or even save the world and I strongly wanted to be like them.
I was too young to realize what was actually happening I thought it was so easy to go out on stage or something and talk then people would like it no doubt then cheer for you and that’s it, until that day when I was in the 5th grade came, the time when I gave my first school speech (which you can find the whole experience here) and thought my dream was finally coming true and everything would be that easy and quick but I didn’t know what could happen that might ruins everything, when I suddenly stopped talking in the middle of everything and everyone was looking at it as if I was guilty for stopping, I didn’t know what to do or say, I didn’t have my papers with me or anything because when I used to see people talking they didn’t have papers with them so I thought that was the right way to do it, the whole experience is here as I already linked before.
The whole thing didn’t matter honestly but what mattered is what the teacher told me afterwords, even though it was my first time but she didn’t understand, she said ” Jayn, if you don’t have the ability to speak then don’t, you could’ve had let other girl who has the ability do it instead.” and that actually broke my heart and still, because that was my first time ever and I didn’t know what to do even though I thought it was easy.
2 years later on someday in the middle of the summer vacation, when I was going through YouTube and all, I was watching someone talking in some gala and I actually loved what he was saying especially that it was about violence and peace and how we can the world peace but then I remembered the incident, and I genuinely don’t remember sleeping that night because I kept thinking about it, finally decided something that I didn’t know it could change me and my entire life, if I actually wanna do that, speak in public and give lectures then why do I quite it from the first try, all the great people who made changes to the world failed more than one time but they didn’t give up, why don’t I try again, even if I failed again at the end this is something I love and enjoy doing it.
So I did, the first and second years were going good, everyone knew my name and I became that person who’d silently the room by just standing up, they knew every time I’d go on stage I’d say something that’s very important to say in the main time, they liked what I was doing and my appearance on stages, my speeches and lectures, even people outside the school knew who I am, I finally made my dream come true, and became the person that I want to be, but not for so long, I had something that I didn’t tell the people about, that I kept it as a secret for a very long time my family don’t know about until this day, my friends didn’t know about it at that time because I didn’t feel free telling them I thought they’d judge me, they didn’t actually know me so I was afraid until I told them that day.
I was going through a very tough time with my family and myself, I was struggling with myself and having that kind of ideas that none knew about, I’d cry every day because I didn’t know what to do, you can call it mental illness but I was struggling that I even had some suicidal ideas, that stopped me a bit, people thought I was just pretending to seek for attention or something but they didn’t know what they were missing, when it’s finally the end of the year and I finally can say this out loud, I got through what I was going through, It was surviving, I survived.
People were telling me what the did and achieved that year but listening to them I was trying to figure out what did I achieve, what did I do that year, yes I made my dream come true and I’m still living it, I survived, but what else, that question was going in my mind the whole day, until I realized something, I might didn’t do that this year but this can be my goal for the next year, which is helping people, I really wanted to help people, I do help them sometimes when I go on stage and talk about some trending topic but I wanna help more, in words, I wanna help people who are going through the same thing I was going through, because I felt it, and I knew how hard and strong it was, I wanna help them surviving because if I did then they can too, I don’t want them to feel alone or it to be too late.
The year started and went on without feeling it and then we’re in December, I can proudly say it was one good successful year, not in school or whatever but in what I wanted to do, somehow I managed through even the smallest things to help people who were struggling with a lot of things maybe what I had or hadn’t but if there’s one thing I know is that I helped and did more than what I planned or thought, that time couldn’t be happier.
This was me last year in 2016, right now I’m writing this in 2017 and I could never be prouder of myself than now, I’ve changed, I went through a lot and seen a lot but I finally can say now that I’m the best person I could ever be, and the point of all of this is, there’s always a chance and time to change it’s never too late, you’ll be going through a lot and feeling a lot but you’ll always find a way to go through everything and survive and become the best person you wanna be and make your dreams come true.
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